Blue Angels Attack White House, Flee Military Custody [satire]

WASHINGTON, DC – Tragedy struck our nation’s capital today as the White House was bombed by fighter-attack aircraft assigned to the U.S. Navy Flight Demonstration Squadron, also known as the Blue Angels. The Department of Defense, The Navy, and the White House Press Secretary described it as a horrific accident, the worst case of friendly fire in United States history.

“It was supposed to be a routine flyover,” said Blue Angels Public Affairs Officer Lt. Katie Kelly. “We just wanted to show our Commander-in-Chief there were no hard feelings after he grounded us, and all.” When asked why the aircraft were carrying live ordnance, Kelly said, “We’re looking into that. Obviously, somebody really shit the bed on this one. Heads are gonna roll.”

But audio recordings of cockpit radio transmissions told an entirely different story. The chilling words speak for themselves.

“Sequester that, motherfucker! … Hoo-yah! Let’s see your birth certificate now! … Hey, asshole: Does Kenya have any bomb shelters? … White power!”

Fortunately for America and the Free World, President Barack Obama was vacationing at Camp David with the First Lady and their children during the incident. The West Wing suffered extensive damage and several housekeeping employees were killed, but no one of any importance was harmed. Since the deceased were all illegal aliens, their true identities could not be determined at press time.

Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck took to the airwaves and lauded the Blue Angels for their valiant effort to annihilate a petty tyrant and the greatest threat to freedom facing America today. Limbaugh blasted the federal government for frittering away money on health care for disabled war veterans instead of squandering it on pointless aerobatic displays that waste logistical resources just to impress a bunch of yokels. Beck went even further. Broadcasting underway aboard his boomer submarine, he threatened to rain down hellfire and devastation upon Washington, San Francisco, Boston, New York, and other Communist strongholds if jack-booted government thugs so much as laid a finger on any member of the Flight Demonstration Squadron.

Speaking at a hastily-assembled press conference, Arizona Republican Senator Capt. John McCain, USN (ret.), scoffed at conspiracy theories the Blue Angels were retaliating for President Obama’s canceling their airshow schedule due to sequestration. “This was clearly a mistake,” said Sen. McCain. “U.S. Navy pilots are the best-trained, most loyal sailors in the world. I know, I was one myself.” Then he winked at Chief of Naval Operations Adm. Jonathan Greenert and mouthed the words, “Bravo Zulu.”

Disregarding repeated orders from Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel to land their aircraft at Naval Air Station Oceana and surrender themselves to military authorities, Blue Angels Commanding Officer Cmdr. Thomas Frosch led his flight into international waters and trapped aboard the flight deck of Rupert Murdoch’s private aircraft carrier, the SS Fuck You, Pay Me. Fox News carried live coverage of the event. “Fat Albert,” the team’s C-130T Hercules transport aircraft operated by a Marine aircrew in a pathetic attempt to make the Corps seem relevant, ditched alongside the Fuck You, Pay Me. Rescue crews recovered the floundering Marines, along with Flight Surgeon Lt. Cmdr. Mark DeBuse, MC, and the team’s maintenance, supply, and administrative support personnel, while Academi snipers kept the sharks at bay. There were no losses, except for an MSNBC News helicopter that was shot down by a CWIS when it wandered into Murdoch’s private airspace. Murdoch reportedly chuckled when told and said, “Collateral damage. Happens in every war.”

After signing autographs and posing for pictures with fans, the Blue Angels were the guests of honor at a celebratory feast held in the captain’s mess, where they were feted by such notable luminaries as Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity, Greta Van Susteren, and some douche bag calling himself Greg Gutfeld. Ann Coulter volunteered to let all the naval aviators violate every orifice in her body, but there were no takers.
“We haven’t been at sea that long,” said Frosch.

  • FailedToAdapt

    I am glad to read this stuff. With what is going in this day and age you have either two choices: laugh or cry. This story allows me to keep my dignity by partaking in the latter.

    • NINJA_PUNCH

      Don’t you mean the former? lol

      • FailedToAdapt

        Yes, yes. The former.

  • USMCFormer

    HA Ha Ha Ha!!! This is friggin hilarious! I remember in 2000 being ‘stashed’ in VT at Pensacola NAS, which luckily was right next to the Blue Angels hanger. Lucky enough to be treated to an aerial demonstration most Wednesdays.

    I give accolades to the Blue Angels as outstanding professional Naval Aviators- they truly are the best of the best. But the golden rule as a young pre API LT was- stay the fuck away from them. They might be nice in public, but if you are a boot LT they will chew you up like hamburger.

    They were decent to their maintenance staff for obvious reasons ( Hard working professionals who i had the privilege of talking to- bought some of them lunch just to hear their experiences). The golden rule of a pilot is never piss off the people who work on your aircraft. Or at least make sure they don’t know who will be flying in the aircraft they spend crazy hours working on.

    ( to reinforce my last point, only a select few would know about MAG-11 Miramar, an FA-18C, and the two mysteriously drilled holes strategically located in the fuselage that would give the pilot some serious shit when performing a certain maneuver- it really does sadden me to think it can get to that point )