How to Prepare for the Marines

Filthy Little Hobbitses

Do you want to simulate your enlistment? Here’s what you have to do:

Go find yourself an incredibly insane hobo, the crazier the better. Pay this hobo with a bottle or two of some hard liquor, and have him chug both bottles before you begin. Now, have him scream unintelligible nonsense at the top of his lungs a few inches from your face, while you stand perfectly still. While standing still, scream “aye” at the top of your lungs, again and again and again and again, really, you can’t scream that word enough.

After this has gone on for a few hours, jump into the dumpster that hobo was living in and start scrubbing it “clean” with a toothbrush. Remember, that hobo should still be shouting in your face as you’re doing this, and you should still be screaming “aye” as quickly and as loudly as you can. Don’t be alarmed if that hobo starts screaming about how fat, lazy, stupid, or weak you are. We all know that he’s a tired old alcoholic with no future prospects and a past he
regrets, that just makes it that much more like the Marine Corps.

This should go on for a few days.

After the hobo kicks you out of his dumpster, calling you a bitch faggot as he does so, you should both take a breather by eating whatever food you can scrounge out of the discarded cans in the dumpster. Be sure to be very appreciative towards the hobo for giving you this time to eat. He’s such a nice guy after all, he only wants what’s best for you. Why do you make him yell at you like he does? You’re such a lowdown scumbag.

Once you’ve had a few minutes to eat what you could, it’s time to train. Goody! That stuff that you saw in MW3 will soon be happening to you! I’ll bet you can’t wait to win the medal of honor and make your parents proud. So, go grab yourself about one hundred pounds worth of trash bags, and sling them over your back. Then, run about ten steps down the alley, dive to the ground and slam your knees as hard as you can into the pavement. Get into the prone, and then get back up and do it again. Do this for a few hours, while the hobo follows you with a trash bag full of pillows on this back and he calls you a weak bitch for being slower than him. He’s such a hard ass that hobo.

After this has all been done, dump out all the trash out of your trash bags, and start organizing that shit! Everything must be in its proper place. The banana peels must not touch the pizza boxes, the diapers must be neatly folded into five by five inch squares, and the toothbrush that you used to scrub out that dumpster had better not be used! After you’ve spent a few hours making it perfect, have the hobo come over and tell you to move everything over to the next alley. He should also be yelling at you to hurry up as you do this.

Eventually, everything is ready, and your hobo can now inspect your trash. Stand rigidly in pride by your neatly arranged trash, it’s a reflection of you after all! The hobo should then glance at the pile of trash, and demand to know why you’re so dirty. Respectfully tell him that respectfully, you were respectfully running around an alley with a respectful amount of trash on your respectful back. The hobo should then point out that HE was running with you, and He’s not so dirty. Then respectfully point out that the mr. gracious hobo sir had not gone directly from that to organizing a pile of trash. This will set off the hobo like you just slapped his sister in the face with your dick and didn’t call her back.

The hobo will then yell something about “enjay pees” and “sixtyone oh fives” for a little bit, and you should feel ashamed for how blatantly disrespectful your comment had been.

Hell, if you want hardship that badly, just keep doing this for about four years. Remember, you can’t defend yourself from that hobo, nor can you quit till those years are up, or you’ll have committed a felony. Don’t worry though, you can tell all your friends that you’re living the hard life, what do they know about hardship? And the hobo will let you wear his old denim suit when you go visit your family once a year or so, you’ll turn all the she-bums heads as you strut through the ghetto. Stick with it for twenty years or so and you too can be just like that hobo, and you too can treat some kid like shit for booze.

Submitted by: “freeatlastfreeatlast”

  • hooyut

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA that is so awesome.

  • Corps2Force

    You know, I never really realized it myself…
    So does this mean during hikes when all normal humans should be worn out and tired from all that heavy gear, the Drill Instructors could possibly have nothing in their ILBE packs yet they’re all calling the recruits little wimps and what not because they can run and do all this extra stuff that us POS recruits can’t?

    • hooyut

      lol yes, instructors rarely are honest enough to have any gear let alone the actual hike loadout in their packs. If you have never witnessed it, if ANYONE not in the instructor cadre gets near an instructor’s pack they will get sniped if they even act like making any physical contact with it. Even just a nudge will get the offender lit up.

      • Corps2Force

        Very well – It’s official. My entire enlistment was a waste!!

    • NINJA_PUNCH

      I spent the last year of my enlistment on Edson Range (technically a part of MCRD, even though it’s on Pendleton). It’s not uncommon for D.I.s to put pillows in their packs to make it look full. Also, did you ever notice that, when your D.I.s sleeves were rolled, they were ridiculously thin? I’ve been told my many many people that most D.I.s cut their sleeves short so they can roll them that tight and thin.

      • usmc_to_usaf

        I went in the Winter time so I hadn’t seen any sleeves; but all the more reason to love how they are awesome at setting the example!!

  • X.S.

    Fucking Great, and absolutely true

  • ShizuexBright

    Thought-provoking writing ! I loved the specifics ! Does anyone know if my business could get a sample NJ Residential Lease Agreement example to type on ?