Anyone who has had to deal with people between the ages of 17 and 24 on a daily basis knows that the youth of our nation, especially the males, can be accurately described as dishonest. There are honest young men and women, but the task of identifying them is difficult to say the least. Many young men will exaggerate or distort their own backgrounds in order to enhance their persona and create an image of themselves that is much tougher and more masculine than in reality. This phenomenon can be observed anywhere young males gather, but is especially prevalent and obvious on or near military bases.
Boots fresh from, well, boot camp, spend their ten to thirty days back at home where they amaze friends, poolees, and family with tales of all the outstanding training they completed and the awesome friends they just made and how great their life is about to be. What once were only rumors between recruits become facts as uncles and veterans buy them drinks and homeboys hand them 40’s. What used to be “this kid mouthed off and the DI’s took him into the Duty Hut and he came back fine” becomes “yeah this one kid disrespected our Senior so they took him into the head and whupped his ass. Then we gave him a blanket party that night like in Full Metal Jacket.” This kind of exaggeration is only the beginning.
There are many Marines in the Corps, and their backgrounds and personalities, however full of shit they may be, are diverse.
The Cowboy: He grew up “on a farm” which could mean anything from actually being raised on a ranch in Wyoming to growing up in Chicago. Some of these Marines will say they are from rural communities but will know not one thing about agriculture or livestock. They are easily recognized by the gigantic wad of tobacco in their mouth and their ridiculous attire: Shitkickers, skin-tight Nut-Wranglers (complete with dip can ass circle), pearl snap button shirt (plaid or Native American design), fifty-gallon hat, and somewhere between three to seven pounds worth of motivation as a belt buckle (they will say it came from a silversmith and totally not that place right off base that sells ones that look amazingly similar). The Cowboy will speak in a stereotypical “southern” accent and will most likely be heard loudly expelling racist and sexist jokes or telling fabricated tales based on violence towards animals, minorities, and women.
Cowboy’s Lie about: Everything. Don’t trust a word out of their dip-filled word hole.
The Gangster: This reject will claim to be in a street gang (or recently out of one) but will have no tattoos, friends, pictures, or any other evidence. Gangster Marines came from “the hood” which can be almost anywhere, including rural Idaho. They are often seen wearing eccentric jewelry and…whatever the rappers are wearing these days, really. This leads to them being heckled and sent home to change into proper attire, and can be very amusing for those in observance. Marines falling into this category rarely listen to anything that is not considered rap, hip-hop, soul, or R&B, and will openly mock any other musician whom they believe would be physically inferior to (insert rapper’s name here). The accents differ slightly, but often rely upon African American and Latino stereotypes (using the expletives “nigga” “ese” and “homes”). The Gangster Marine will openly flaunt a false relationship with a known gang while also associating with a Gangster Marine from a rival street gang, often proving the background story of both to be false.
Gangster’s Lie about: They did every kind of training possible and always had a snappy comeback.
The True Motivator: The bane of every normal Marine’s existence. The True Motivator does not care for trivial things like “logic” “intelligence” or “efficiency,” they only concern themselves with OORAH. To them, the Corps is an infallible deity that provides them with everything they want and need. So proud they are of being a part of the organization, they refer to it as if it were their possession. True Motivators refuse to leave their bed without at least one EGA or USMC showing at all times. All shirts require motivational symbols or phrases (preferably both), and will be tucked in regardless of T-Shirt status. The more barbaric the practice, the more the True Motivator will enjoy ripping apart its dismissal with neanderthalesque logic. Things such as physical beatings, IT, and horse shoes are apparently what made the Marine Corps so great in the past, in their eyes. This type of individual will defend the Corps’ deficiencies with tired excuses and misinformed lies with his last breath.
True Motivators Lie about: The Corps. Everything about the Corps that is fucked up, they will try to twist and explain as an asset.
The Blue Falcon: Falcons can be difficult to spot, as they are everywhere and take many forms. The obvious Blue Falcon can be seen quietly attempting to blend in with a group while attempting to secure valuable information for his superiors. The Blue Falcon wants you to believe he is “just one of the guys.” Sometimes you may hear one asking where the big, underage booze festival will be this weekend. Sometimes he may blend in well enough to find his way there and witness Marines misbehaving, all the while noting names and offenses. Falcons appear to be stellar Marines to their superiors while acting like complete scumbags to everyone else. Discerning observers can spot a Falcon by their proper civilian attire, fake smile, and evil intentions. Boots be wary.
Blue Falcons Lie about: How they got promoted.
That Fuckin’ Guy: He wakes up every morning and is already a fucking mess. He can eat, sleep, and breath relatively well if nothing is distracting him (I was going to list the things this guy can’t do right, but it would be faster to list what he can do). Your Senior Lance Corporals will yell at you for even being around him because he is a magnet for shit-storms. This fuckin’ guy will bum cigarettes and dip off of anyone dumb enough to let him leech, even on payday. He is the one that fell through the cracks. He is the reason Drill Instructors hate Recruiters. If they knew how goddamned awful he turned out, his Senior and Heavy would cry themselves to sleep every night in shame at what they have allowed to enter their beloved Corps, and probably begin plotting his recruiter’s doom. That Fuckin’ Guy can be seen in cammies or PT gear…probably in a working party, his room or in the lounge, as he is on permanent restriction from back-to-back NJP’s, failing field day, and generally being a shitty excuse for a Marine. He has not and will not adapt to military life, and there is no amount of hazing that can help it. He will inevitably become the “Company Pet” that requires supervision whilst eating, working, sleeping, and shitting probably.
That Fuckin’ Guy Lies about: Tells everyone back home he is an awesome Marine and everyone loves him.
The False Motivator: Sarcasm is their business, and business is…fucking infinite. You want them to wear little green panties to run in? Ok, but theirs are two sizes too small, so now you have to see hairy, pasty, pale legs AND bouncing man-junk. Those dicks drawn all over everything? These guys. Some douche bag captain complained because the running cadence was absolutely filthy and demotivating? These guys. Their vocabulary consists of inside jokes, often trading traditionally accepted phrases for “fuck you.” Example: — “Tuck that shirt in, Devil Dog!” — “Rah, gunny” or “Kill!” False Motivators can often be found cursing their own existence and awaiting their EAS so they don’t have to do this shit anymore.
False Motivators Lie about: How motivated we…ah fuck my life, I’m getting drunk.
The Commissioned Fool: Some people, even the college educated, are just stupid. The Commissioned Fool will have no clue what is going on at any given time. He/she will be ditzy and probably adorable in some way, much like an inbred kitten, but otherwise basically useless. As dumb as they may be, they will receive more awards than you and be treated way better, mostly because of that education. Okay, solely based upon that education. Keep in mind that college does not make a person smart.
Commissioned Fools Lie about: However the fuck their absurdly stupid ass made it through college and OCS.
Murtaugh: The Marine Corps prefers her victi…ahem, recruits to be on the younger end of the spectrum. A Murtaugh is a Marine whom enlisted later in life than most, normally older than 24. Murtaughs can be observed rarely because they are ghosts and make excellent skaters. They see how the inefficiencies of micromanagement negatively affect mission accomplishment and troop welfare and sigh in exasperation as they are, in fact, too old for this shit.
Murtaughs Lie about: Nothing, they are too old for that shit.
IT Guy: Some Marines enter the Corps with a working knowledge of computers. This guy will inevitably become the interim IT Guy for everyone and will normally pretend to either not know how to fix your problem because you are a dick or demand booze as payment for services rendered on your virus-filled-porn-box. You may or may not ever see him outside of work because he is so over this Marine shit like omfg. Much gay. So moto.
IT Guys Lie about: Your laptop took 12 minutes to fix, the rest of the week was spent rifling through your porn and laughing hysterically at the pathetic love letters you send your cheating ass girlfriend. Ha, pwned.
Foreign Dude: These guys come from all over. They may be a part of your MOS school class or they may be US Marines that haven’t received their citizenship yet. You will learn a lot about their culture and homeland, but the first thing they will probably teach you is how to curse in their native tongue. Hands-on observers are encouraged to watch the Foreign Dude get uncomfortable when you ask him what the age of consent is in their country.
Foreign Dudes Lie about: He didn’t teach you how to tell those girls they are pretty. You just told them you have an elf pecker.
Many of the fibs these guys tell are pretty harmless. However, some of them decide to take it a bit too far. There is a code among military men and women that goes something like; If you don’t rate it, don’t wear it. Much like falsely claiming to be in a street gang, lying about your military history to the wrong people can lead you into a big fat ass beating. There are a few ways to gauge how full of shit an individual may be, but they aren’t fool-proof. Bragging is a huge red flag. I have yet to meet a Marine that was actually proud of killing another human being. Plenty have defended their action as necessary to prevent their friends from dying, but not one so much as cracked a smile while talking about it. If a guy is bragging about how awesome his career was and all the places he has been, chances are he is full of shit. Keep in mind that almost anything out of a drunken fool’s mouth will be bullshit in the first place, and will be exaggerated bullshit with the addition of said alcohol.
Submitted by: “AAVPOG”