Fleet Marine Life #106 – Best Plan Ever

2011-10-22-fleetmarinelife106 - Best Plan Ever

A lot of young Marines get married mainly to:

1) Get out of the barracks so that they can live out of town (No more field days and random duties.)
2) Collect Basic Allowance for housing (thousands of dollars).
3) Collect COMRATS (more money for food).

With the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t tell (DADT), I’d imagine many non-gay Marines coming together and getting married to move out of town. Hell, Marines get contract marriages all the freaking time. They find a friend, they agree to get married for a certain period of time, and then they start collecting a lot of money.

Would you get married to another dude just to move out of the barracks? I’m not gay and neither are many Marines but I’m sure a lot of them have thought about this. You pretty much get paid thousands of dollars more for living with another person and chances are, many Marines are already living with a roommate in the barracks.

If many Marines get these “gay marriages,” the Marine Corps will probably start digging their noses into the matter. Would the Marine Corps intrude on one’s privacy in order to find out if their marriage is for real? I’d imagine so.

Getting married to move out of the barracks since 2011.

Fleet Marine Life #105 – Take This

2011-10-21-fleetmarinelife105 - Take This

This is a continuation of comic #103.

The longer you wait until you get out of the Corps, the worse off you’ll be in the future. The higher ups tell you things like “you won’t be able to get the same kind of job security out in the civilian world,” and things like, “You’re not going to make it out there! Stay here!” Sure it’s great that you get paid for doing nothing most of the time and you can’t get fired for it, but is it really worth trading your freedom and liberty for this?

The skills you are likely to gain in the Corps won’t have much value outside the Corps. With the skills that I’ve received from the Corps, the best civilian job that I could get will probably involve a lot of cleaning because that’s what the Corps has taught me to do.

If you end up staying in the Corps for too long, you’ll end up getting out as a grumpy old man who can’t do anything else other than yell at people and have trouble spelling many 5 letter words. That’s why you see retired Sergeant Majors hanging around outside certain PXs and yelling at junior Marines. In a way, the Marine Corps creates dependency.

The more you re-enlist, the more the Marine Corps has you by the balls. You have to break the shackles as early as you can and not re-enlist. Get out, get an education, get a good job and live a good life.

Sucking it the fuck up since 1779.

Fleet Marine Life #104 – Insults

2011-10-20-fleetmarinelife104 - Insults

I hated my SNCOs. They would say and do some fucked up shit to people for no reason other than they thought it was funny.

If a Marine is going through some tough times, you, as a human being, would make an attempt to, at the very least, not make his life any shittier than it currently is.

But some people live to make people’s lives worse. But what kind of asshole would do that? SNCOs. I knew a Marine who had lost his child and his SNCO joked about it in front of him. Let’s just say things didn’t end up so well.

Seriously, why would people say or do things that would make people hate them? Do they enjoy being assholes?

SNCOs lead miserable lives as Marines. The work is shitty and SNCOs usually are married to some fat whale who blasts out a few babies a year. They hate their lives so much that the only way to feel better is by belittling and insulting the people around them. Maybe they feel as if they’re losing a grip on life and the only way to reaffirm such a grip is to go on some power trip.

SNCOS can end up getting away with half the crap they do because of their rank. Without their rank, they are nothing more than a human being like you and me. If you’re being threatened by a SNCO for no reason then request mast. Requesting Mast is like sticking a cross to a vampire. Just mentioning those words are enough to prevent a bunch of bullshit from happening.

One day, my SNCO saw my fellow Corporal doing paperwork. The SNCO went up to him and said, “Hey, aren’t you too retarded to do paperwork?” The corporal didn’t say anything. He stood up, walked out of the office, sat outside, and started playing on his phone. The SNCO was furious because the stuff the Corporal was doing needed to be done.

The SNCO followed him and yelled at him to get back to work. The Corporal said, “But I’m too retarded!” The SNCO then took an open dip bottle from a junior Marine and threw it across the room. It was sick. The SNCO yelled even louder at him and threatened to NJP him. The Corporal simply replied, “Then I’ll request mast.”

The look on the SNCO suddenly turned white, confused and even a little scared. The SNCO said, “Oh yeah?! Well, we’ll both get NJP’d!” The Corporal knew that the SNCO was buffing. An NJP to a Corporal getting out of the Corps in 2 months is pointless. As for a SNCO, an NJP can drastically alter his career and it could mean the difference between getting promoted or not. The Corporal called the SNCO’s bluff and said, “Let’s go to the first sergeant’s office together then.”

In the end, the SNCO backed off the belligerent Corporal.

Getting yelled at for no reason since 1775.

Fleet Marine Life #103 – Gravy Train

2011-10-16-fleetmarinelife103 - Gravy Train

For those who are about to get out, don’t re-enlist. If you re-enlist thinking that you’re going to be able to ride that sweet gravy train forever, you must be crazy.

My buddy re-enlisted with an incentive that he move to a recon unit. He thought it was going to be better but it wasn’t. Now he has even less time to see his family. He is not going to re-enlist after the end of his second term. Even the recon Marines want to join the Army Special Forces.

The gravy train is only a short ride that has to stop. When it stops, it stops abruptly. Then you’re going to have to face years of Marine Corps bullshit again.

Resist the temptation.

Riding the gravy train and regretting it since 1779.

Fleet Marine Life #102 – Leatherneck Forums

2011-10-15-fleetmarinelife102 - Leatherneck Forums

Leatherneck.com is the most motarded USMC website on planet Earth.

Go ahead and spell a few words wrong on their forums. They start to trip the hell out. They have a problem whenever a non-Marine says Oorah and Semper-Fi. They don’t even talk like normal human beings.

These people are the product of years of institutional brainwashing. Look at this poll below.

leatherneckpoll

 

 

 

 

 

In their poll taken by 1,387 people, only 5.8% said they’d never re-enlist and 91.93% said they would re-enlist in a heartbeat. Really? In the Corps that I was in, the moment VEERP was published, the vast majority of NCOs in my company applied for it to get the hell out ASAP. This website is THE gathering place for motards and lifers (E-5s and above).

Being illiterate grammar Nazis since 1775.

Fleet Marine Life #101 – Stacked

2011-10-14-fleetmarinelife101 - Stacked

In the Corps, you can get a bunch of ribbons and medals for just being at the right place at the right time. You don’t have to do much. Hell, sometimes you don’t have to do anything. Every Marine gets a National Defense Ribbon straight out of boot camp. You get it for joining the military during a time of war. The Global War on Terrorism Medal is received for just being alive for 2 months in the fleet. The Sea Service ribbon is received for being alive for a year overseas.

I knew a guy that carried batteries from point A to point B. Since it was considered “humanitarian work,” he got a Humanitarian Service Medal.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peter_Pace

Look at this Marine (Peter Pace) General’s fruit salad. The size of it is ridiculous. Most of his ribbons don’t seem to mean much. I honestly think that if you achieve the rank of General, you either get ribbons thrown at you though the gravitational pull of your rank or you just make up ribbons and then proceed to wear them.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Awards_and_decorations_of_the_United_States_military

Getting ribbons for breathing since 1775.

Fleet Marine Life #100 – EAS Shitbag

2011-10-13-fleetmarinelife100 - EAS Shitbag

When I told my command that I wanted to get out and as fast as possible through
VEERP and Terminal Leave, they got all bent out of shape. I could have gotten out 4 months early but my command wasn’t having none of that shit. They gave me duties and nearly endless shit to do. Most of the time, I wouldn’t be allowed to check out because there was always “shit that needed to be done.”

When the latest VEERP order came out, almost all of the NCOs in my company applied for VEERP. It was nuts. My gunny viewed us all as shitbags. Are we really shitbags? The guys who pretty much did all the work so that this lazy piece of shit gunny can put himself up for a NAM for the work that we all did?

I don’t know why our chain of command takes great lengths to prevent us from EASing. Short timers can’t deploy for there is too little time on their contract. So they’re instead left to rot in buildings doing nothing while their command plays stupid fuck-fuck games with them.

Higher ups tried to scare us into re-enlisting by telling us shit like “you’ll never find a job”, “you won’t amount to anything,” and “your mother is going to be on the street selling herself unless you re-enlist for money.” These higher ups are just bitter that they can’t do anything better. Re-enlisting is their best option. For THEY are scared of the civilian world and THEY would rather re-enlist than face the real world.

Great things don’t happen in the Corps. The Marine Corps is where intelligence and creativity go to die. You’re not going to get rich in the Corps. You’re not going to be famous in the Corps. You’re certainly not going to live a happy life in the Corps. Isn’t that what life is all about? The pursuit of happiness?

If you’re thinking of re-enlisting, just don’t do it. The grass on the civilian side of the fence is truly greener. I am only starting to regain my hope in humanity, my brains and my individuality.

It’s amazing that I’ve created 100 comics and blog entries so far. I give thanks to those who have continued to view my work. I thought I was alone in hating what the Corps has become but since the creation of this project, I know I am not.

Getting assigned the Duty MOS since 1779.

Fleet Marine Life #99 – Career Planner

2011-10-10-fleetmarinelife99 - Career Planner

During my last few months in the Corps, I had to go to the career planner for a mandatory interview. It went like something you see above. No shit, word for word.

They had two people working the career planner office. One day, they both mysteriously disappeared for some time for emergency reasons. In their place was this Lance Corporal who obviously didn’t know what the fuck she was doing. She was fucking up so badly, the Sergeant Major came and screamed at her personally. Was it really her fault though?

If I was put in charge to fly a V-22 Osprey, I would probably crash that bitch into the ground. That is, if I can take off. And you know what? I would probably get my ass chewed for it.

Lastly, this is a pile of paperwork found on top of the Career Planner’s desk.

Career-Planner-Stack-Cropped

 

 

 

 

 

 

Getting interviewed to get out since 1775.

Fleet Marine Life #98 – Base Mail

2011-10-09-fleetmarinelife98 - Base Mail

I’ve always wondered why my mail would take so long to reach me in Camp Pendleton. In the civilian world, I had a 60 lb package send from California and reach the other side of the USA within 2 weeks. However, whenever I’m on a Marine Corps Base, my mail would take several months to reach me.

So I guess that somewhere down the line that the Marine Corps has something to do with my mail being delivered at the speed of bureaucracy.

One of the many reasons that I’m glad that I’m out of the Corps.

Having shit lost in the mail since 1775.

Fleet Marine Life #97 – Two Corporals

2011-10-07-fleetmarinelife97 - Two Corporals

The Marine Corps always tries to prevent every little incident that may happen. They do this by assuming that everyone is a bad apple. Every society has a few bad apples. You just have to accept that. The Marine Corps does not and they treat everyone as if they could be bad apples. This is a waste of time and insults normal adults.

“This is why we can’t have nice things.”

This whole “safety first” mentality is logical. Why have Marines die during non-combat related training or life? It makes sense but sometimes the higher ups take this to an extreme.

I remember liberty orders telling us not to box kangaroos or wrestle crocodiles or even swim in open bodies of water. “Open bodies of water” even included streams. Can you imagine Marines dying from drowning in a stream of water? It must have happened for a full bird Colonel to include such explicit statement in that order. I’m surprised he didn’t say we had to wear floaties whenever Marines so much as touch water.

Marines are drunkards. It’s part of the culture. The vast majority of liberty incidents in Okinawa were alcohol related. Fuck, I hated alcohol related incidents because the people who were responsible were punished as well as those who weren’t responsible.

As long as Marines drink, there will be problems! It’s going to happen! Just deal with it!

On another note, there’s an article in the UCMJ against dueling. For real. Article 114.

Not having nice things since 1775.

Fleet Marine Life #96 – Payday Millionaire

2011-10-06-fleetmarinelife96 - Payday Millionaire

Payday Millionaires (aka Weekend Millionaire) are the most financially retarded people ever. They’re the guys who get paid one day and are broke the next day. As a Marine, I’ve seen them all the time. In fact, they’re everywhere in the Corps. Chances are that one is probably living next door to you.

The Marine Corps is filled with young men and women who have never held a job that gives free food, free medical, free dental, free housing, free water, free transportation for some places, free electricity and gives at least $800 on the first and 15th of every month. With all that free shit, the $800 can go to whatever the heart desires and it usually does. When people buy expensive and unnecessary goods, they rationalize their decision by saying things like, “Well if I buy this then it’ll help me in life.” You know damn well you don’t need a two used cars and a motorcycle as a single Marine.

Every payday, I see long lines of cars and fancy trucks outside the gas station. I see Marines and Marine wives crowding the on-base ATMs so that they can get money to spend out of town. I see PXs packed nut-to-butt with everyone and their momma waiting to get the latest gizmo and gadget.

The sad thing is that when Marines live paycheck to paycheck they fail to have anything in their savings. What happens if there is an emergency and all of the sudden you need $2,000 to fly back home from Okinawa? Who the hell is going to loan you $2,000?

Do not loan any of these broke parasites money. You are throwing your money into a black hole. Not even being trapped 28 days of the month in the barracks is enough to deter these young Marines from their excessive spending habits. The only way for these people to fix themselves is an epiphany of biblical proportions.

Honestly, I don’t know how these “millionaires” fix themselves. I’ve never been broke in the Corps. Not even close. It’s very easy to save up a shit ton of money in the Corps but first you have to realize that you don’t need 95% of the shit you buy. Once you start underconsuming, you start saving. You can use those savings to buy several books on investing and learn to invest your money and make more money. For most people, this is too much work and I’m just talking out of my asshole like Ace Ventura.

We live in a time today where each new generation of adults live through overconsumption and excessive materialism. This life style is self-destructive and goes against everything us Americans have valued in the past. What ever happened to saving and frugal living? It’s been replaced by vain people who spend their way into massive debt and believe that their problems will be magically figured out in the future.

It kills me to see my generation burdened with debt caused by themselves. I refuse to be one of them and you can too.

Getting paid on one day and being broke the next day since 1775.

Fleet Marine Life #95 – Okinawan Friday

2011-10-02-fleetmarinelife95 - Okinawan Friday

Good old Okinawa. I remember when all the bases were locked down over something that one individual Marine did. This asshole was USMC SSGT Tyron Hadnott. He had been in the Marines for 18 years and was charged of sexual assault of a 14 year old girl in Okinawa.

http://www.defence.pk/forums/world-affairs/38460-sexual-assaults-rapes-us-military-japan-lead-major-international.html

This isn’t a freaking set up. The SSGT approached this 14 year old girl on his motorcycle. Why would he even think of putting himself in a situation where he could get in trouble? Is he retarded?

Under the US military court, he was convicted of abusive sexual conduct and received 4 years in prison. Four other charges, including rape of a child under 16, making a false official statement, adultery and “kidnapping through inveigling,” or trickery, were dropped in a plea bargain.

After that international incident, all the bases were locked down and no one was allowed to leave except higher ups. The people who didn’t have anything to do with the damn incident got punished. I hated libo on base. There’s nothing to do but drink alcohol and cry in your room or go to Camp Foster’s Globe and Anchor which is also known as “Hook and Jab” because of all the stupid fights that happen over there for stupid shit.

Why the hell are we still in Okinawa? Wasn’t the cold war over decades ago? The Japanese obviously don’t want us there since our service members continually fuck their shit up. Japan can defend them own damn selves. Also, we’re broke! We owe too much to too many people. It’s time we leave.

Getting our liberty taken because of what one asshole Staff Sergeant did since 1775.

Fleet Marine Life #94 – Checking Out

2011-10-01-fleetmarinelife94 - Checking Out

Checking out of the Marine Corps is the best task one Marine can receive. It is the light at the end of the tunnel. Honestly, the process can take a few days if you’re desperate. However, Marines drag out that process by months. When I was checking out, I was always “at medical” if you catch my drift. I’d get one or two things checked off the check out sheet every week.

When I was checking out of Okinawa, I needed to go to Camp Kinser to check out of my unit. It was raining that day and I had no gortex jacket because I turned it into CIF. The Marine Corps never issued me an All Weather Coat. I couldn’t use an umbrella because I was male. So for that day, I started checking out with my civvies and black rain coat. Some people didn’t care but this one asshole of a Gunnery Sergeant had a problem with it. She didn’t even let me explain why I was in civvies. She said she wasn’t going to sign my paper until I was in cammies.

The next day, I’m back at this bitch’s office to get her stupid signature. She signs the paper and then hands it back to me. I mean, that was it?! It was my last week and you couldn’t have spent 5 seconds of your precious piece of shit time the day before? Instead, I got to waste my fucking time because you just wanted me to see me wear my monkey slave suit.

I was at CIF one day and I tried returning this one piece of gear. The guy refused to take it because it had this stupid dot on it and I’ve never used it. The easiest way to wash CIF gear is to throw it all in the washing machine.

If you lose certain pieces of CIF gear, you’re fucked. The entire sleeping system costs a few hundred dollars. The gortex top and bottoms cost hundreds of dollars. One sapi plate costs like $500. I had this one guy who couldn’t EAS because he was missing one ammo pouch. It wasn’t like he lost the holy grail but to the Marine Corps, it was as if he did.

My buddy gave him his own ammo pouch so that this guy could EAS. This guy couldn’t just hand over a few dollars from his pocket for this one ammo pouch because the USMC doesn’t play that efficiency shit. Instead, he has to fill out a bunch of paper work and go around hunting for signatures. If my buddy didn’t do what he did, this guy would probably still be in the Corps like the drug pops in my old platoon.

When I EAS’d, I was thinking of egging the shit out of my company before I left but the thought occured to me that Junior Marines have to clean it up. So I refrained from doing so with every FIBER OF MY BEING.

Gathering signatures to get the fuck out of the Corps since 1779.

Fleet Marine Life #93 – Staff Sergeant Says

2011-09-24-fleetmarinelife93 - Staff Sergeant Says

One day my illiterate Sergeant ordered a fellow Corporal to move all of the food from an ISO container to a nearby location. The Corporal said, “Sure, I’ll use our forklift and we’ll be done in no time.” The grossly overweight Sergeant replied, “No! I didn’t tell you that you could use the forklift!”

The Corporal knew that he was now engaged in a pissing contest. The Corporal respectfully said, “I am qualified to use the forklift and all of the food is on top of warehouse pallets.”

The retarded Sergeant didn’t budge on his original stance despite the presentation of the more efficient idea.

Much time was needlessly wasted over an argument that didn’t need to happen. The pissing contest ended with the Corporal being victorious as he accomplished his task with blinding speed and efficiency.

If an idea is obviously better, why are leaders reluctant to accept these better ideas? Is it because they are so used to the status quo that they fear change? I think so. Status quo does not breed innovation. The Marine Corps is all about the status quo.

Now we got status quo leaders teaching junior Marines nothing but the same old things. If new leaders try to break the status quo cycle by introducing new ideas and more efficient ways, they are quickly attacked and reprogrammed. It’s a cycle where the status quo will forever be the norm unless higher ups break the cycle. But with the way things were going when I left, that will never happen.

Efficient at being inefficient since 1775.

Fleet Marine Life #92 – USMC Thursday

2011-09-22-fleetmarinelife92 - USMC Thursday

As a civilian, I can do almost anything compared to being in the Corps. I can get a haircut or not. And whenever I do something, forests full of trees don’t have to die whenever I want to do something. I can go to the other side of the world right now, without telling anyone, and you know what? I won’t get in trouble. I won’t get NJP’d. I won’t get money taken away from me. I won’t have to be punished like a child for it. I can do that because I don’t need to tell anyone what I’m doing.

In the civilian world, you get treated like a fucking adult in a free society and not like some damn child. You know what else I don’t need to do?

I don’t have to stand at parade rest and get talked to like a child by a lazy fat piece of shit Sergeant who writes at a 3rd grade level just because someone else didn’t wake up on time, I don’t have to wake up at 0445 to puke my brains out, I don’t have to pick up someone else’s cigarette butts, I don’t have to field day, I don’t have to conform to a set of random ass rules and regulations, I don’t have to waste my time doing absolutely fucking nothing, I don’t have to stand by to stand by, I don’t have to stand duty to watch over a bunch of drunken degenerates throw beer bottles in the parking lot and pass out on the picnic tables, I don’t have to take shit from people for no reason because they’re of a certain rank, I don’t have to stand in formation forever, I don’t have to maintain my clothes, I don’t have to live in the projects (aka slums) and use a toilet that explodes whenever I flush it, I don’t have to get along with everyone, I don’t have to look out for everyone, I don’t have to wait a week for a toilet to get fixed, I don’t have to eat at the chow hall, I don’t have to get substandard medical and dental care provided by your local bureaucratic socialist government medical facilities, I don’t need to yell at people for stupid shit, I don’t have to follow an alcohol limit, I don’t have to be a Marine 24/7, I don’t have to wear specific things, I don’t have to hide all my alcohol in my closet whenever the cops come by, I don’t get yelled at when I’m 2 minutes late, I don’t have to deal with SNCOs, I don’t have to consider suicide as a viable option as a way out, I don’t have to get in trouble for something someone else did that I wasn’t involved in…

…THE LIST GOES ON AND ON!!!!!

That’s REAL Bullshit! Bullshit that interferes with who you really are as a human being! In the Marine Corps, you aren’t treated as a human being but as a piece of government property like cattle.

I can work as hard as I want in college and if I get straight A’s then my records will say that I got straight A’s.

If I work as hard as I want in the Corps, it won’t matter. Hard work brings more hard work. And it still won’t count. Sometimes the SNCO will take all the credit, sometimes it’s your Sergeants, you never really know.

That’s the way the USMC works. The SNCOs don’t give a shit about the little guys. Maybe it’s just the units that I go to.

Anyways, I’ll take civilian bullshit any day!

P.S. We’ve hit 30,000 views.

Waking up and realizing you’re not a Marine anymore since 1779

Fleet Marine Life #91 – Black Light

2011-09-18-fleetmarinelife91 - Black Light

Hey, there reader. Have you ever wanted to take all the furniture out of your room, put it outside in the grass, clean your room for 6 hours and then put all of your furniture back in? No? Well congratulations! You aren’t border-line retarded! However, if you said yes then you have a future in the US Marine Corps!

I hated Thursday and so did every Marine in my unit. Every Thursday was Field Day. On every Field day, a small piece of me would die inside. I joined to be a Marine and not a fucking house-keeper. This was the day where every Barracks Marine would have to clean their room, and common areas, for at least 4 hours. Then they had to sleep for like 5 hours, wake up at negative zero five hundred, clean for another hour, get inspected and pray to the field day gods that their Gunny’s vagina wasn’t hurting that day.

For inspection, I’ve seen people fail field days for the dumbest shit. One of my Marines failed because he had clean trash bags on the bottom of his trash bag container. I failed field day one day because I had a black mark on my floor, which I had to scrape off with a knife. Whenever my “leaders” inspected our rooms, they would flip out and throw a bitch fit whenever they would find a speck of dust like it’s the carrier of the Ebola Virus.

Fuck! I hated field days like nothing else in the Corps. I have never met any Marine who has liked field days. It is one of the top reasons why I got out. The Barracks Enlisted Quarters (BEQ) campaign plan (November 9, 2006) says that “Unit Commanders will conduct Field Days on an as needed basis.” Unfortunately, my command wants us to do field days every fucking week.

My entire company at one point failed field day for no reason. My Gunny didn’t even give us a reason. He just said that we were all fucked up and that we needed to fix it on a Saturday. Like, gee-golly whiz, Gunny! What the fuck am I supposed to fix if I don’t know what the fuck to fix?! And thanks for wasting my fucking weekend, asshole. I’ll be sure to carve your name on my forearms when I hang myself.

My entire company lived on the first floor. The thing about living near the parking lot was that there was always a shit ton of trash everywhere. We all knew that everyone above the first floor was throwing their trash downstairs. We informed our Gunny but he said that if “no one saw anything, nothing happened.” Fuck, I hated my useless ass Gunny. So my company would walk around the barracks and its parking lot to pick up such things like:

*Beer bottles (Lots of them)
*Broken beer bottles
*Dead animals
*Cigarette butts (Several bags worth)
*Condoms (Normally Used)
*Food wrappers
*Cans
*Cigarette boxes
*More cigarette butts

My command says that field days build discipline and attention to detail. I disagree. It destroys morale, wastes money and wastes a lot of time.

There IS a place where discipline and attention to detail is built. It’s called Boot Camp.

Chinese Field Day

Motivated Marine Corps Field Day

Disassembling furniture to look for ghost turds since 1775.

Fleet Marine Life #90 – In the Ghetto

2011-09-16-fleetmarinelife90 - In The Ghetto

The barracks is a soul-draining and depressing place.

It’s a place where Marines drown their chronic depression with excessive alcoholism, cable TV and video gaming.

There’s usually almost nothing to do in the barracks unless you have a vehicle, which is primarily used to escape the barracks to get more alcohol.

Fuck, I hated living in the barracks. Here’s a list of some of my reasons why:
* I hated how almost everything was broken in your room and you were supposed to fix it.
* I hated living in rooms with the centrally-controlled A/C blasting during the winter     because it “saves money.” When the A/C is needed during the summer, it’s usually broken.
* I hated living with roommates.
* I hated living around drunkards.
* I hated living in a place where you had to field day every Thursday.
* I hated barracks duty.
* I hated the fact that you can’t escape the grasp of your command since they know where you live.

One day, I had a new guy join my platoon. After work, we all went back to the barracks. Later that day, I walked outside of my room to get some fresh air and I saw him sitting on a chair hunched over. I walked closer to him and I heard him wheezing like he was going to die. I asked him, “Are you okay?” He said, “Can’t… breathe… too much… mold…” The next day, he bought some dehumifiders to help fight against the mold.

In California, my toilet started to “explode” whenever I flushed. Oh, what fun. I contacted the BEQ Manager to help me out. A week later, a guy had his ceiling collapse with water going everywhere. Another week later, my toilet was fixed.

There’s a reason why Marines rush to get married and getting out of the barracks is up there in the list on reasons why. Hell, I would have gotten married to move out of the barracks. The only thing keeping me from doing so is the fact that divorce is expensive as fuck.

Living in the ghettos since 1775.

Fleet Marine Life #89 – Double Standard

2011-09-11-fleetmarinelife89 - Double Standard

The Marine Corps is full of double standards and I hate that shit.

“Rank has its privileges”

Here are some double standards that are floating at the top of my head:

I love how my old Sergeants were all mostly fat as fuck yet they yelled at other fat Marines for being fat. My old Sergeants did less than 20 pullups and that’s the group total. Whenever platoon physical training is in session, my Sergeants are always NOWHERE to be found unless the PT session is something like basketball. Usually, they would always be “at the gym.” Of course, none of us would know if he was actually there or sleeping in his barracks room.

The female Marines do a much easier PFT and CFT than Male Marines.

The higher ups can get a DUI and it would get swept under the rug. If a junior Marine gets a DUI, the book gets thrown at him.

My higher ups would come to work extremely late or not at all and no one would care. If a junior Marine was late by 1 minute, it’s as big as the OJ murder.

The favorites of higher ups can get away with murder while those who aren’t “special” get in trouble for menial shit.

My Gunnery Sergeant committed adultery and had sex with one of his junior Marines. A Corporal had sex with that same junior Marine and that same Gunny threw the book at him and maxed him out on his NJP.

Double standards piss me off. Just cause you have some weight on your collar doesn’t mean, you can do whatever the fuck you want. No man should be above the rules in the Corps.

Double Standards since 1775.

Fleet Marine Life #88 – Everyone

2011-09-09-fleetmarinelife88 - Everyone

I love how labor is often misallocated in the Corps.

Sometimes the people in charge of us don’t even know what exactly needs to get done. So, just-in-case, they send over everybody. It’s later then when we all realize that it is specifically a task that requires that only a set amount of people do it and no more. Now you have a situation where 10 people are working and the other 40 are just standing around doing nothing.

I wonder how the SNCOs think…

“Well, gee… if one man can do this job in 10 minutes then 10 Marines can do it in one minute!”

Unfortunately the SNCOs fail to realize that, some jobs are more efficiently done by fewer people. In some cases, less is more.

Sending 40 people to do a two man job since 1775.

Fleet Marine Life #87 – SNCO Academy

2011-09-08-fleetmarinelife87 - SNCO Academy

It seems to me that the higher you are in rank, the more brain cells die out.

Things are usually run inefficiently in the Corps usually due to higher ups. Many times a Lance Corporal or even a PFC would suggest solutions that are more practical and more common sense but unfortunately, our higher ups want everything done their way even if it doesn’t make any sense.

Sometimes things would be running so well that a SNCO wouldn’t need to do anything. The SNCO will then start to believe that his inaction is a problem. So the SNCO will start to change things for no fucking reason other than to do something. Why do SNCOs have the need to fix things that aren’t broken?

If everything is running fine and all the operations are doing well then why does everyone suddenly have to play musical billets? After the music has been turned off, everything is fucked up and all because of one man and one whim.

SNCOs have a tendency to solve problems by using impractical solutions. One example is mass punishment.

I remember being woken up at 0700 on one Okinawan Saturday morning, along with the rest of my battalion. The entire battalion had to go to the battalion building and stand in a mysterious formation. The battalion gunny came out and started yelling at everyone about how we were all shit bags and how we weren’t looking out for one another. He then said that last night, a Marine was arrested by the Japanese Police because he was caught peeing on the roof of a Japanese Bar.

“This damn P-Pirate!”

The gunny said that it was all of the NCO’s fault. Then he said, “Monday, green on green… 0715. Be there or else there’ll be paperwork!”

I thought to myself, “It’s just old ass gunny. It’ll probably be a standard 2 mile old-ass-man Marine Corps shuffle run. I won’t even break a sweat.”

I just got 2 of my wisdom teeth taken out Friday and was high off Percocet. Unfortunately, my light duty chit ended at Monday 0700. So I had to go to this stupid fucking bullshit and run 8 miles worth of hills at the speed of mach Jesus while simultaneously being dehydrated, high off of Percocet, while blood pulsated out of those two gaping holes where those two wisdom teeth were. The next day, everytime I took a step forward, it felt like someone was stabbing me in the groin.

In the end, he held all of us responsible for not stopping this one Marine, who none of us knew because he worked somewhere in the back of the battalion building, the same building the gunny works in. We all learned something important that day. Actually, no… No, we didn’t.

Needless to say, we all knew that Marine after that day and we called him Penis Pirate.

P.S. This is a lobotomy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_0aNILW6ILk

Getting a lobotomy since 1775.

Fleet Marine Life #86 – Hidden Fees

2011-09-05-fleetmarinelife86 - Hidden Fees

In boot camp, you are forced to open a Fort Sill National Bank (FSNB) account. That is where your direct deposits go (pay checks). You may think all is fine and dandy but later down the road, your drill instructor should warn you about the dangers of FSNB and how they are infamous for stealing money out of Marines’ bank accounts. How do they do it? Hidden fees, random fees and sometimes for just no fucking reason. Not only do fellow Marines warn you in boot camp but throughout your entire Marine Corps career. If I see a Marine with an FSNB bank card, it is my sworn duty to warn that Marine about the dangers of FSNB.

In MOS school, one of my fellow classmates had a thousand dollars disappear from his FSNB bank account. For no reason! He was angry but mainly confused.

It’s kind of strange how this notoriously bad banking institution still exists. It’s even stranger that Marines are forced to open FSNB bank accounts even though FSNB is known throughout the Marine Corps as a horrendous bank. In fact, FSNB is referred to by Marines as Fort Steal National Bank. Do higher ups just not give a shit about junior Marines? Do they have some kind of deal with this bank?

Also if you’re overseas, you will encounter problems withdrawing money from an ATM using an FSNB card.

More than often, Marines can’t see the signs of what is to come in front of them. After 6 months of warnings, one might think to at least consider thinking about preparing for these dangers.

Getting our money stolen since 1775.

Fleet Marine Life #85 – Hair Levels

 

2011-09-03-fleetmarinelife85 - Hair LevelsThe Marine Corps values appearance more than actual hard work. You can work your hardest but if your hair looks too long for one staff NCO’s liking then you’ll be viewed as a shitbag. It’s baffling how one can be demonized for stupid and trivial things such as haircuts and a small hole in one’s uniform. The Marine Corps has turned into a beauty contest.

During my last 6 months in the Corps, I was set to go to 29 Palms for a week along with a bunch of other NCOs. We were there for a week to only work for a few hours. That’s not the point of the story though. Anyways, before I went off to 29 Palms, I went to the company front office in dirty boots and desert cammies that have been torn in several areas and repaired. I was there to get some paper work before us NCOs went off to our wonderfully inefficiently planned “vacation” at 29 Palms. I got the paperwork and as I was passing by the company Gunnery Sergeant’s Office, the gunny stops me.

This is the same guy I went to Afghanistan with, so I know how stupid he can get. In Afghanistan, the dustiest fucking place on earth, he yelled at me, on several occasions, for having dirty cammies and dirty boots.

So I walked in his office expecting an ass-chewing and, lo and behold, I get an ass chewing for dirty boots and shitty cammies. I told him that I was going to 29 Palms, a desert field used to simulate life in a desert environment, for a week. He said some shit about how I had to be squared-away 24/7 and that I knew better than that.

By his rule, if I wore brand new cammies and got a tear in them, I would have to buy brand new ones. Cammies are not a dime a dozen. Boots are going to get dirty in the field. Why in the fuck do I have to wear brand new ones even in places where they’re most guaranteed to get dirty? Boots do not grow on trees! They cost about $150 a pair! Chances are that your supply doesn’t have shit for you so this $150 is probably going to come out of your pockets. I mean, come the fuck on! I don’t make that much money!

Who am I going to impress at 29 Palms? Is the Gunny afraid that some General is going to come down from the heavens and yell at me for dirty boots and then ask me who my company Gunnery Sergeant is? 29 Palms was a shit hole where all I did was nothing for a week.

Am I the only one with someone like this? No! This “squared away 24/7″ mentality is prevalent throughout the Corps even though it is impractical to keep up with. Even in places like Afghanistan, you cannot escape the grasp of this garrison-like mentality. Afghanistan becomes Afgarristan.

In the Marine Corps, training jackets and Service Record Books are no longer a gauge of competence. In its place are hair levels and uniform appearance. If you have a low-regulation hair cut, you will be viewed as an incompetent shit bag. It doesn’t matter if you’re an outstanding Marine, you will be viewed as a shitbag.

Our higher ups are so worried that our companies will be viewed as a bunch of turd burgulars. This is why many Marines MUST get haircuts every week. That’s $10 a week. In the course of your Marine Corps career, you will have to spend over $1,000 on hair cuts.

48 months of Active Duty (4 years)
44 after leave. (4 months)
41 after boot camp. (3 months)
39 after MOS school. (2 months)
32 after one deployment. (7 months)
25 after one more deployment. (7 months)

25 months * 30 days = 750 days
750 days divided by 7 days (1 week) = 107 weeks in 25 months.
107 weeks with one $10 haircut per week is $1071.

Imagine if you got a hair cut once every 2 weeks. You would have saved $535 in your career. That’s just one Marine though. Imagine a platoon of 40. That’s $21,428 saved in 4 years.

Junior Marines are brought up and brainwashed that this garrison-like mentality is the way and anyone who tries to challenge that way is met with opposition on all sides. These junior Marines eventually become the higher ups who have a rock-solid ideal that everything must be run with a garrison-like ideal. The only one who can bring about real change is the commandant and that guy is usually the most garrison-loving Marine around.

Looking pretty since 1775.

Fleet Marine Life #84 – Shitbag

2011-09-01-fleetmarinelife84 - Shitbag

You can just tell the amount of effort I put into today’s comic.

Someone told me this acronym a long time ago. I can’t remember who…

This is seriously all I did during my last 6 months in the Corps. If you aren’t following this acronym to the letter as a short-timer, you are failing at life.

I would usually hide and sleep in the cleaning supply locker or another platoon’s area.

Sometimes, I slept in plain sight in the platoon commander’s office. There was this corkboard leaning against the wall that was arm’s distance from the lieutenant’s desk. I went behind it, contorted my body to hide behind it and lean the corkboard back against the wall with me underneath it. I even poked a small hole in it so that I can see who’s in the office or not. I would set my phone to vibrate and then I would go to sleep. Whenever someone would call me, I would text back that I’m in the company bathroom. I would then look through hole to see if the office was clear. If it was, I would re-emerge from behind the corkboard. If it wasn’t clear, I would knock on the wall that my back was against. The one Sergeant that is usually in the office, would get up from his desk and walk to the office next door thinking that someone is messing around. Then I would re-emerge.

Sometimes, I would just say fuck it and go back to my barracks room, turn off all the lights, close the curtains and play Call of Duty : Black Ops from 1300-1630.

Also, I would avoid volunteering like the plague.

Why do I do this? Because my company is a piece of shit.

I wasn’t the only short-timer doing this. My fellow short-timers always had “appointments” for checking out. Were they legitimate? Only if the Sergeant called to check up on them. The funny thing about checking out is that it doesn’t take that long to do, assuming everything is in order and if you’re desperate. But short-timers usually drag out the process for months. Why you ask? I ask you, “Why not?”

Becoming shitbags since 1775.

Fleet Marine Life #83 – Blind Justice

2011-08-31-fleetmarinelife83 - Blind Justice

In the Marine Corps, I have been blindly accused of a great deal of things. There are always at least two sides to every story. Unfortunately, my bosses only get one side and it’s usually not mine. The comic above is based on a true story. Another section reported that a strange man with a headlamp was roaming around their lot and looking at stuff in the middle of the night. I just so happened to own a headlamp. So, my SSGT used his detective skills, that he learned in SNCO school, and put two and two together! He accused me of being in that incident!

I told him that I was with 6 other Marines at the time that the incident happened. I also told him that we can go to that other section and ask them if they’ve seen me. SSGT Douchebag McAsshole realized that he was in the wrong and started yelling at me to clean his fucking office.

Our United States Judicial System is not perfect but it is still good. It’s a system where one must be proved, without a shadow of doubt, that he is guilty of the crimes committed. If there’s a 75% chance that a man committed a crime, would you put him in prison for life or even put him to death? Innocent until proven guilty.

The Marine Corps Judicial System is reminiscent of Hitler’s People’s Court where being on stand for trial is an automatic death sentence. The higher ups are so blind to the evidence surrounding them that proves that the accused is innocent. They just want blood and they want it NOW! NOW! NOW! It’s a fucking kangaroo court. You are guilty until proven innocent.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/People%27s_Court_%28Germany%29

I knew a Marine in another section who was NJP’d for a violation of the Uniform Code of Military Justice (UCMJ) he did not commit. He had signed out for liberty on Okinawa. He came back before the curfew and went to sleep. When he woke up, he was told he was getting NJP’d because he signed out and his name was on the liberty black list. He was on the liberty black list by accident. He had no reason to be on it as he was not a trouble maker. His higher ups, a Major included, spared no expense to make sure that this Marine was punished. He was 100% innocent but since he was a PFC, he was afraid and took the NJP rather than face the court martial.

A fellow Marine of mine, Lance Corporal Iron, came to work early and asked me if he could go to medical for his usual check ups since he’s a broke dick. I said, “Sure, just sign out of the platoon sign out book.” He did that and went to medical. 15 Minutes later, everyone was set for the routine 0700 Company accountability formation. Everyone did their little salute and “all present, all accounted for.” When our platoon was up, my Sergeant did his little salute and saying. The Company Gunny quickly said, “No! You have one Marine who is UA (Unauthorized Absence)!”

We were all looking at each other saying, “Who is it? What the hell? We have everyone!” We didn’t think it was LCPL Iron because he followed the standard procedure to check out.

My Sergeant went immediately up to the Gunny and talked to him. No one knew what he was saying. Our company formation was dismissed and everyone went back to the platoon area. 10 minutes later, my Sergeant was starting to freak out saying he’s going to have LCPL Iron charged and he had the charge sheet in his hand. I was shocked! Why is my Sergeant out to fuck up this Marine’s life? He’s a good Marine who gives no trouble! I said, “Sergeant, he has signed out in the sign out book and he talked to me before leaving. He also had an appointment that’s in the book of appointments.”

That put an end to it. If the Sergeant simply looked at the sign out book or even asked one of his NCOs, who were all there at that company formation, he would have prevented himself from looking like a blood thirsty jackass.

Another example of the UCMJ working its magic is the case with Lance Corporal Kevin Holt.

http://militarycorruption.com/getslife.htm

This is a case where the military prosecutors can:
*Dismiss eleven witnesses.
*Fabricate evidence when the original evidence sided clearly for the defense.
*Use a grotesque amount of taxpayer money for that fabricated evidence.
*Defy the laws of physics.
*Grant the probable murder immunity so that he can testify against the defendant.

He got life in prison for a murderer he so clearly did not commit. Why should you care? If you’re a Marine, this is your judicial system. LCPL Kevin Holt could be you. You could be in the brig for life for something you did not commit.

On a side note, there’s been another suicide in the Corps due to repeated Hazing. In several cases, the victim was booted in the back of the head. The hazing was caused by three of his fellow Marines who claimed they punished him because he “repeatedly fell asleep.” It may seem like just an empty excuse as to why the hazings happened. He was fine in the Corps until he transferred into a new unit. That’s when the problems started happening. These men in charge should be kicked out and given a shitty discharge but I know that won’t happen.

http://www.military.com/news/article/3-charged-in-hazing-that-led-to-marines-suicide.html?ESRC=marine-a.nl

Having a higher conviction rate than Hitler’s People’s Court since 1775.

Fleet Marine Life #82 – New Core Values

2011-08-30-fleetmarinelife82 - New Core Values

I don’t even know why Marines even get these red Core Values Card. One fucking card isn’t going to stop them from doing anything wrong. It isn’t like Marines, when faced with a moral problem, are going to pull out their wallet, then their stupid Honor, Courage, Commitment (HCC) card and realize what they’re going to do wrong and then not do it.

The Marine Corps has 3 core values. Honor, Courage and Commitment. As a Marine recruit, these three words are repeated over and over again. Unfortunately, these core values are just words and Marines have tendency to ignore them in order to achieve some type of personal gain.

People’s values are shaped by the people they meet and experiences in life. These experiences and encounters help people realize what is right and what is wrong. What is moral and what is immoral. These moral and immoral values that are gained over one’s path to adulthood are ingrained into one’s mind. After that, it becomes very difficult to change one’s way of thought. So if someone joins the Corps with fucked up moral values then they will remain fucked up. Four years in the Marine Corps is not going to reverse what 18+ years has done with one’s mind.

I was sick of seeing Marines following the Core Values and then being burned for it. They try to do the right thing but in the end, they are punished for it. Standing up to your high ups for something so blatantly wrong will get you punished. Being trusting will only lead to you getting abused and misused. Being committed and dedicated to the mission will force you to be overburdened without any reward.

The ones who seemed to succeed were the Staff NCOs who did not have any Honor, any Courage or any commitment. These SNCOs hardly stood up to their highers when there were apparent problems. They blindly followed orders because they’d rather impress their higher ups and advance in career than to do the right thing and possibly risk their next promotion. They would rather lie to your face than to tell you the truth because it’s easier and it gets you to shut up. They encourage you to steal by yelling at you for not getting the job done even though there aren’t the necessary tools to complete the mission. They sit on their ass and do nothing all day claiming that “they run this place” while you do all the work and they get all the credit.

Sure, in the rest of the world, people lie to each other, people cheat the system and people steal from each other. But in the Corps, it happens more often than what I would have liked to have seen. I have lost a lot of faith in humanity since I EAS’d. It’s going to take a while to regain my faith in humanity.

Lying, cheating and stealing since 1775.

Fleet Marine Life #81 – Participant

2011-08-29-fleetmarinelife81 - Participant

I was on a humanitarian operation during my first year of the Marine Corps. For one month, I have worked tirelessly as did the rest of my team.

I was on the team that worked the hardest. The other two teams were sent back. Our leader promised us all meritorious masts, which is above a Letter of Appreciation. Those two pieces of paper work are pretty much worthless unless you go on a board, which is unlikely because your higher ups pick and choose favorites.

Anyways, we worked our hardest making sure that basic supplies were sent to a corrupt Junta government who, for all we know, hoarded the supplies and withheld it from their starving people. In the end, we all got Letter of Appreciations (except the higher ups who all got NAMs and HSMs) and then sent home. The strange thing about that whole operation was that only some of the lower downs got the Humanitarian Service Medal. Did they do anything differently? Not that I can think of. We all did the same job, in the same place, for the same amount of hours.

Years later, a MARADMIN came out saying if you were “at this place, at this time, doing humanitarian work, you get the HSM.” I was thinking to myself, “Fantastic. I’ll take my LOA and a copy of the MARADMIN and get the award processed.” Never have I experienced such bureaucracy in the Corps. I went everywhere and asked everyone but no one was able to help me process two pieces of fucking paper. Years later, the men who did all the work (aka Junior Marines) were rewarded the least.

One day, as a civilian, I check my Marine Online account and lo and behold, there is a mysterious new award. The HSM! What the hell? I check the date on it and tried to remember what I did on that day. I was doing absolutely nothing on a ship floating outside a country that needed some Humanitarian Assistance. Unfortunately, my higher ups didn’t get permission to help them, so we just floated outside, “Just in case.” I got a medal for being a “just in case.” No, I didn’t save lives. No, I didn’t help anyone. I slept all mother fucking day on a mother fucking ship.

I love how ass backwards a lot of things are in the Corps. I can work all day and night for months ensuring that natural disaster victims get their basic supplies to live and not get the Humanitarian Service Medal for Humanitarian Service. But… if I do nothing while on a ship floating around an area that was messed up from a natural disaster, I get a Humanitarian Service Medal. It’s irony at its finest.

Hell, I ain’t complaining.

Getting awarded for nothing since 1775.

Fleet Marine Life #80 – Line Crossed

2011-08-28-fleetmarinelife80 - Line Crossed

A lot of shitbags in the Marine Corps weren’t always shitbags. After all, they did join the Marine Corps voluntarily. They came in highly motivated and left as empty shells of men. These Marines don’t just wake up and say “I’m going to be a shitbag.” No. Something has to have happened or continue to happen to them.

I knew a good Marine who had his whole career ahead of him. He was caught drinking underaged in the barracks. Other than that, he didn’t do anything seriously wrong. But, his command wasn’t having none of that. His command gave him his first NJP. He lost his rank and just went downhill from there. He was a perfectly good Marine who was destroyed after being over-punished for something so minor. He became overly belligerent, freaking out at SNCOs and having yelling matches with them.

Sometimes, it takes a while for Marines to develop into shitbags. My old command used to play favorites and awarded only those they loved. Regardless of how hard you worked, if you didn’t know the right people, it was pointless. So Marines just stopped trying so hard and just set their cruise control for bare minimum effort. I was one of them.

It’s a sad process but it is the consequence of higher ups and their decisions.

Getting framed by our Corporals since 1775.

Fleet Marine Life #79 – Let My People Go

2011-08-25-fleetmarinelife79 - Let My People Go

Before my platoon went to Afghanistan, two of my Marines popped on the piss test for drugs. They got busted down and sent to another platoon while my platoon deployed to Afghanistan for 6 months.

Popping a piss test means you get kicked out of the Marine Corps because the Marine Corps has a zero tolerance drug policy. Unfortunately, it isn’t just a kick on your ass and you go flying out the door. No, the drug popper has to sit and wait for months while his paperwork is processed for him to leave. Hell, on some cases, it can take over a year!

When I came back from Afghanistan, I was put into the last platoon I would ever be in. The last platoon that I was in was where they kept all the short timers, broke dicks, pregnant women, people on legal hold, people without a platoon and drug pops.

The two guys who popped on the piss test were in my platoon. They didn’t want to be in the Marine Corps anyone. They don’t do anything because they’re not allowed to go do anything. So for all these months from when they popped their piss tests to when I came back from Afghanistan, they were sitting in a warehouse just collecting 2 paychecks a month for literally doing nothing. They would like to leave but the bureaucracy has to do mountains of paperwork.

Over a year later, as I write this, one of them is still in the Marine Corps.

Sitting in warehouses doing absolutely fucking nothing since 1775.

Fleet Marine Life #78 – Treasure Hunt

2011-08-24-fleetmarinelife78 - Treasure Hunt

Today’s comic has been based off a true story. From Jail Break.

A buddy of mine nicknamed Jail Break, from the same company as me, recently experienced yet another wild goose chase created by their Warrant Officer. Out of the blue, the warrant officer finds out that one multimeter is missing from the tool room. There are 3 Marines in charge of this tool room and the only ones who have access to this room other than those three are higher ups.

A multimeter is something no one wants to steal. I can imagine a bunch of other stuff worth stealing like Meals-Ready-to-Eat, chemlights, Gerber multi-tools, knives, etc. But I cannot imagine someone stealing a multimeter. It doesn’t really do much so I can’t see why too many people would want it. I’d rather have a box of nails than a multimeter.

The Warrant Officer gathered his entire platoon (40-50 men) to search for this missing $97 multimeter. These Marines had shit to do but, on a whim, were all pulled aside to go on this snipe hunt. Balls to the wall, from 1000 to 1730, the Warrant Officer made them search everywhere imaginable. Under rocks, on the roof, in the sewers, under cars, underneath Quadcons, I mean everywhere. That’s at least 300 man hours wasted on this one day. He also set up starboard side and port side chow runs.

Sure, it was serialized gear that had to be accounted for but what he made this platoon do was seriously a big fucking waste of time. Mass Punishment is fucking retarded.

Marines suspected and even asked the Warrant Officer if he took it. The Warrant Officer just yelled at them for being stupid and to keep looking.

This Warrant Officer is universally hated by everyone in his platoon because he’s always making his platoon do useless shit and keeping them beyond normal working hours on a Friday because the turnover binders had to be redone. Hell, I hated him and I wasn’t even in his platoon! This is exactly the kind of shit that makes Marines hate the Marine Corps. Needless to say, every short timer in that platoon is taking VEERP and terminal leave on top of that to EAS ASAP!

Looking under rocks since 1775.

Fleet Marine Life #77 – Spice of Life

2011-08-22-fleetmarinelife77 - Spice of Life

What you see above is the almost word-for-word anti-spice brief that my company got when Spice first started to emerge. The brief was given by our SACO representative, a black Staff Sergeant, that called himself, “Big sexy.” when he gave the brief, he talked with a calm, non-threatening and soothing voice.

His brief kind of defeated the purpose of being an anti-drug brief because it promoted Spice. He started listing prices, locations and then started talking on and on about how you can get high and not get caught.

I remember a week after that brief, I knocked on a fellow Marine’s door to see how he was doing. He yelled through the door, “who is it?” and I said that it was me. He cracked it open and popped out just his head. His eyes were blood shot and he was sniffing excessively. I heard rave music in the background and a bunch of other Marines in there doing god-knows-what. I just told him that I’ll come back another time.

If I knew a Marine that did illegal drugs, I honestly wouldn’t care to report it. No, I don’t do drugs and I don’t believe in them but I think it’s dishonorable to sell out your fellow man and ruin his life for something as stupid as drugs. If a Marine gets caught with drugs, he is done. His career is effectively over. I can’t ever bring myself to be a rat. The only thing that Marine is doing wrong is harming himself.

If the Marine Corps bans a drug, then Marines will find a way to get high off something else. I don’t know why but I’m guessing it’s boredom or “an itch” that they may have.

In 2010, the branches of the Armed Forces of the US banned the use of Spice. So don’t get caught with it unless you want to get an other-than-honorable or general discharge. You NEED an honorable discharge to use the Post 9/11 GI Bill (aka the light at the end of the tunnel).

Do I honestly care if Marines use drugs? Of course I do! Alcohol is a drug and Marines are notorious for alcohol abuse! Fuck, If I had a nickel for everytime I had to sit in a brief where our Commanding Officer rambles on and on about how Lance Corporal Schmuckatelli and PFC Dumbass went out of town and drank a fifth of vodka and then crashed their car while driving 120 miles per hour into the base gate, I’d be living out the rest of my life in the Caribbean, swimming in pools of gold coins and drinking fine wine.

I’m glad I never have to receive another talking to because SOMEONE ELSE, drank to the point where they had to get rushed to the hospital to get their stomach pumped… and then NJP’d the next day. Einstein’s definition of insanity is if you keep doing the same exact thing thinking the results are going to be different then you’re insane. Well, the Marine Corps is insane because I have to receive the same fucking brief over and over again on how PFC Retard and his partner-in-crime, PFC Idiot, thought they could get away with a DUI. And yet, there are still many DUIs.

Promoting the use of drugs that aren’t illegal yet since 1775.

Fleet Marine Life #76 – Falling Down

2011-08-19-fleetmarinelife76 - Falling Down

I can imagine why many Marines would want to commit suicide. Simply put, the Marine Corps life sucks donkey balls. It’s fucking depressing. It’s lonely, aggravating and boring. Any attempt at making any romantic relationships usually end in failure due to the Marines making you move around a lot causing you to see your significant other a lot less. There’s usually nothing to do in the Barracks except drink, use the internet, get a new tattoo and play video games.

In my old unit, everyone jokes about suicide all the time. In fact, this comic was inspired by a fellow Marine who told me how he was going to commit suicide if he were to do it. But really, he had no real reason to. If he was feeling down, he’d go out with some buddies and get plastered drunk out of town. This isn’t the best solution to combat suicide but I guess it’s better than nothing.

“What gets me through the Marine Corps is the next payday and beer.”

I don’t think too many Marines talk about needing help because they’re afraid of their command coming down hard on them. I sure as hell didn’t trust my command after the things they did. Why the hell would I want to talk to them?

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2011/03/30/marine-corps-steps-suicide-prevention-efforts-halt-deadly-trend/

If you’re in the Corps, I’m sure you’ve thought about suicide whenever you field day but suicide not worth it. Suicide is a permanent fix to a temporary problem. Get out of the Corps and live your life. Life is truly better outside of the Corps. 4 years isn’t that long. Just take it one day at a time. Payday to payday. Weekend alcohol binge to weekend alcohol binge.

On a side note, check out KarlDonitz’s demotivating youtube page about USMC life.
http://www.youtube.com/user/KarlDonitz

Jumping off the fourth deck since 1775.

Fleet Marine Life #75 – Hypocrite

2011-08-17-fleetmarinelife75 - Hypocrite

I knew a Marine in my platoon who drove slightly buzzed into the base entrance. He smelled like alcohol and was given a sobriety test. He passed that. But he failed the breathalyzer with a less than 1 percent blood to alcohol level.

We get a safety brief every Friday telling us not to drink and drive and all that crap. But they failed to mention that even the slightest bit of alcohol in your system will get you a DUI on base.

That Marine felt fine, almost unaffected. Even then, driving shortly after drinking at least one beer is a bad decision no matter how good you feel. He did it anyways, got caught, got NJP’d and then busted down to Private First Class.

A few months later, a Staff NCO in our company gets a DUI and it gets swept under the rug. It’s a double standard! I guess it’s different spanks for different ranks. What ever happened to setting the example? A lot of my SNCOs had that “do what I say, not what I do” mentality. Like my Sergeant who yelled at his junior Marines because they were fat. That Sergeant had man titties! I’m talking about the kind where you have to physically lift them up and wipe all the debris that was trapped underneath. It’s fucking hypocrisy.

There’s many examples of hypocrisy in the Corps that I can point out. Just to name a few off the top of my head:

* My old Gunnery Sergeant had an affair with his female Lance Corporal.
* At least half my NCOs had sex with that same female Lance Corporal.
* My Sergeants would always say, “Junior Marines first” but then they were always taking care of themselves first to pretty much everything (chow, awards, comfort, billets, etc).
* A Sergeant of mine criticized me of being a terrible NCO when he couldn’t even pass a PFT. He was also drunk as he yelled this to me.
* That same Sergeant tried to sexually assault a female Marine a few weeks later.

It’s not easy and it’s not hard to “set the example”. It doesn’t take too much effort. But apparently, “setting the example” is not worth the slightest of hardship it would bring to my “leaders.”

Hypocrisy since 1775.

Fleet Marine Life #74 – Key to Success

2011-08-15-fleetmarinelife74 - Key to Success

“The key to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.”

I’ve had the displeasure of working with some of the shittest Staff NCOs ever. Not all of them are bad but most of them are. And the only good SNCOs aren’t even in my section. I remember this one SSGT who kind of looked like Doug Heffernan from King of Queens except he wasn’t fat. He was in another section and I was listening to him lecturing a Corporal on how certain things work in the Marine Corps. I was thinking to myself, “This is the kind of stuff I should know.” But at that time, I had very little time in the Corps and the stuff he was teaching was going to be no longer relevant. Never has a SNCO lecture me on anything useful.

I then realized that this SSGT coming to replace us spent more time in our work area in one week than all our original Staff NCOs have in the entire deployment (6 months). This is fucking sad.

In Afghanistan, my Gunnery Sergeant’s job was to wake up and think of random ass rules to make our lives shittier than they were. My Staff Sergeant’s job was to punch numbers into a computer.

One day, our Staff Sergeant tried to help some other section out and needed our assistance. He needed our assistance because he didn’t know how to do our job. He “worked” for a few minutes and then said he had to go get something. He disappeared for the rest of the day while we figured everything out.

How is the guy in charge of us this ignorant? I’ll tell you why. It’s because these kind of people volunteer themselves for all the easy cushy jobs all throughout their career. It’s usually that office job where you hang out in the office with the higher ups and punch numbers all day and get high proficiency and high conduct marks for it.

Never will they volunteer for a job that will cause any hardship. Eventually this is all they know throughout their career. How to punch numbers into a fucking computer and work the system to advance through the ranks. As a SNCO, they end up without any usable knowledge to pass on to their junior Marines. They don’t even know how to do their Military Occupational Specialty (MOS)! To hide this weakness, they talk themselves up a lot and refuse to answer any question regarding their own MOS. They talk the talk but they don’t walk the walk.

So, for every operation, they rely on their junior Marines to “figure it out.” Sure, they’ll make some mistakes along the way but in the end, they usually succeed beyond anyone’s wildest guess. These junior Marines, who take up good challenges, end up becoming the most successful in their MOS career. Usually, after the end of every operation, these Staff NCOs, swoop in, take all the credit and fucking bounce to another unit.

Being scapegoats since 1775.

Fleet Marine Life #73 – Free Medical

2011-08-14-fleetmarinelife73 - Free Medical

Free medical isn’t really free in the Corps. Of course the tax payers pay for it so you don’t. In the Marine Corps, medical isn’t exactly top notch. You have to go to these Corpsmen who aren’t exactly college degree holding professional doctors. You can’t pick and choose the docs/doctors that you want to go to unless you want to go out of town and spend money that you don’t have.

The taxpayers pay for these Corpsmen (docs) and doctors. The government doesn’t want to spend too much money so this causes them to not have the adequate amount of medical facilities or doctors to account for the growing amount of patients. This socialist type of medical care doesn’t allow Marines to get proper care when they need it. My friend, Dan, had to get an appointment in order to get an appointment. How inefficient is that?

Dental was always booked for months. It took me almost 2 years in the Corps to get the surgery to remove my bottom 2 wisdom teeth. But on the road to getting that surgery, my appointments were always booked 2-3 months into the future and then they always get mysteriously cancelled due to “unforeseen reasons”. ALWAYS with these fucking mysterious cancellations! My fellow Marine told me that I should just lie and tell them that my mouth hurts like hell because apparently, lying or dying is the only way to get an appointment.

I remember one day my corpsman gave me some weird tasting cough drops to help me stop coughing so I can go to sleep. It worked and I fell asleep but then the next morning I woke up throwing up neon yellow puke for almost an hour. After that wonderful experience, I just started carrying my own personal medical supplies. Is it really the Docs fault that they were given shitty low-cost medicine by the government?

Some Corpsmen don’t even get medical supplies. Some of them have to buy all their own shit from the PX.

Getting an appointment to get an appointment since 1775.

Fleet Marine Life #72 – Movie Night

2011-08-12-fleetmarinelife72 - Movie Night

Pink Flamingos is quite possibly the most outrageously disturbing movie I have ever seen.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0069089/

If you want a different type of comedy, watch this movie.

The Marine Corps twists Marines minds to be more different and more resistant to what is strange. This could be the by-product of training for war or excessive boredom.

In Okinawa, there were two dogs barking outside my barracks. I looked out the window and saw two dogs tearing up the shit out of this dying cat. Other Marines heard this too and opened their windows to see this sight. A lot of Marines starting screaming, “Get some!” and “Yeahh!!! Ooraaah!!!” A car came by and scared the dogs off. My buddy who was right next to me said he was going downstairs to check it out. He went downstairs to execute a perfect text-book MCMAP vertical heel stomp on the cat’s head. Everyone cheered even more. I couldn’t stop laughing. He then turned his head toward my window and yelled, “I THINK IT’S DEAD!”

Whenever Male Marines are left alone for long periods of time with no women, a lot of Marines do a bunch of border-line homosexual shit. No one’s gay, I think, but everyone acts like it. I guess it helps pass the time.

Marines are not normal mentally.

On a side note, check out this poll that Fox News put out after the GOP presidential Debate.

http://www.topix.com/issue/gop-debate-aug11

I am glad to see that Ron Paul is winning by a landslide. I’ve been following him since 2008 and I am surprised that many people have finally woken up and realized that he is the only man who works for the American People. Back then, they regarded him as a crazy man and it was only a dream to see him become a US president.

He understands the problems that this country is facing and isn’t afraid to address these problems. He’s one of the only men who has accurately predicted many of the crises that we are in today.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IHNp1wf1T_k

His stance is that of liberty, prosperity and freedom. His stance has been consistent for decades throughout his career.

Here are some highlights of Ron Paul in the recent GOP debate. If you don’t vote for Ron Paul, you’re voting for the Status Quo.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sdGsPioLLvQ

Not normal mentally since 1775.

Fleet Marine Life #71 – New MCO

2011-08-09-fleetmarinelife71 - New MCO

There’s a lot of things many Marines don’t know about. If you’re a Marine, you should know about the old man PFT. But what about an older man PFT and one that’s for even older Marines? Well those exist. Take a look at these charts below ripped from their current orders.

 

 

bareminimumPFT

 

 

PFT Bare Minimum and Age Groups

 

bareminimumCFT

 

 

 

 

 

CFT Bare Minimum and Age Groups

 

It kind of feels like those really crusty old men with a lot of rank on their collar just wanted a way to stay in longer without actually having to put more effort into their physical self. Staying in longer means a higher retirement pay. I know, I understand that once you reach a certain age, your body just starts going downhill whether you like it or not and we need these experienced old men. It’s not like they move around much anyways.

Also, look at the female standards and compare them to the male standards.

I’ve heard a lot of times from female Marines that they got a higher PFT score than me even though I ran faster. I mean, what is up with that? I know the Marine Corps is trying to be full of equal opportunities for everyone but by lowering the standards, they’re not helping the Marine Corps. If people can’t meet the standards, don’t let them in. If they can, let them in. It should be that simple.

I found this order, MCO 6100.13 Physical Fitness Program interesting. Not too many people read these Marine Corps Orders. It’s not like many Marine care but as a Marine you should know how to work the system so that the system doesn’t work you. SNCOs feed off your ignorance. These orders are straight from the Commandant of the Marine Corps (CMC) so it’s not like too many people can argue with that unless the order states otherwise.

Like for one thing, if you have certain medical problems and you need to do the PFT, you can qualify to do a partial PFT. In this event, you would do the two events out of three and pass them along with getting a 3rd class PFT score from those 2 events. If you fail, you fail. If you pass, your command will use the score achieved during the last PFT for the event missed.

If you’re a Marine, just look through the list of Marine Corps Orders on the Marines.mil website, see what is interesting and read them. Here is a link for both a list of MCOs and MCO Ps.

http://www.marines.mil/news/publications/pages/order_type_mco.aspx

http://www.marines.mil/news/publications/pages/order_type_p.aspx

Running bare minimum PFTs since 1775.

Fleet Marine Life #70 – Pension

2011-08-07-fleetmarinelife70 - Pension

http://www.wtvm.com/story/15173966/2011/07/29/us-army-proposes-new-retirement-plan

The Pentagon is currently thinking about changing the current retirement system. If this goes through then 20 years of service won’t set you for life with a very generous amount of money every month. Instead, they’re thinking about turning it into some sort of corporate-style pension. This is supposed to save them $400 billion.

Hell, the current retirement system is basically the only reason I would ever stay in the Marine Corps.

Here’s the link below for the military retirement pay calculator. Try it out and discover the madness.

http://militarypay.defense.gov/mpcalcs/Calculators/FinalPayHigh3.aspx

http://news.yahoo.com/31-americans-7-afghans-killed-helicopter-crash-145151275.html

In recent news, 31 Americans were killed when members of the Taliban shot down their helicopter. I’ve first read this in an article on the internet. The next day, I would see it on television. And I’ve realized that the mass media hardly report anything on who has died or what is happening in Iraq or Afghanistan. It bothers me to my core. Not one dead body shown on television. I doubt Americans still know that we’re still in those countries. I wonder why we’re still in Afghanistan.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p12cAclNCRU (October 27, 2007)

Remember that promise that Obama made about troop withdrawal. Watch this now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tk2TXhzEX1g (December 2, 2009)

It’s all just more of the same. No real change. We’re continuing down this road with no end in sight. This nation has lost enough men, money and resources to this black hole called the Global War on Terror. How do you even fight something like that? Who are the “terrorists?” The Patriot Act renewed by Obama says that we, the Americans, can be targeted and labeled as “terrorists.” This is highly disturbing to me. How did this man even win the Nobel Peace prize? It’s ironic! A man who supports war wins the Nobel PEACE prize. I guess it’s easy to wage war when you don’t have to fight in it.

When will this all end? Like history as told time and time again, the oppressed usually rise up and break down the current system and in its place, put in a new one for better or worse.

Also, in other news, Standard & Poor has downgraded US Debt from AAA to AA+. I expected something like this. I am surprised that they didn’t do it earlier. And honestly, they haven’t downgraded enough. The US government has an addiction to spending on everything and they have no solution to stop it. I have a solution. STOP SPENDING SO FUCKING MUCH.

Getting paid to do nothing for life since 1779.

Fleet Marine Life #69 – Do Me A Solid

2011-08-04-fleetmarinelife69 - Do Me A Solid

A lot of Marines ask me for favors. They know I got the right ingredients for their turtle soup or what not. And most of the time, I help them. I believe that “Semper Fi” shouldn’t just be empty words that mean always faithful. It’s a good motto but most times, many Marines aren’t faithful. They lack integrity and integrity is what I believe to be the most important value. It is the one value which all values are based on. A person who isn’t a man of his word simply isn’t much of a man.

How can you do business with a man if you know he’s a liar? Would you? I know I wouldn’t. Some people never change. Thieves steal, killers kill, liars lie, etc. Released sex offenders have a tendency to just going back to committing sex crimes.

I’ve always tried to live my life with integrity. That means doing the right thing. Sometimes it’s easy to cross the line and lie but then it’s not easy to step back. In the Marine Corps, Honor, Courage and Commitment are ingrained into every Marine at boot camp. Marines can choose whether or not to accept these core values.

It just sickens me whenever I put my trust out to my fellow Marines and they stab me in the back to get ahead in life. I’m nothing more than a scapegoat for a Sergeant or someone with money to another Marine. Every new unit, I come to the belief that it is a new beginning but I quickly learn that nothing is different. I lose faith in the Corps and in humanity.

If a Marine asks for your help, and his life isn’t in danger, just don’t help him. If he needs to borrow your CIF gear, or your money or he needs your time to stand for his duty while he “does something important”, do not do it. I know in your heart, you believe that you’re helping him but you’re only fueling his need to be dependent on others. Until you close that door, that Marine will know you’ll always be there to get him out of every single bind and most times it’s for something stupid.

In Okinawa, a Corporal got a call from his two junior Marines. They were drinking underage and were about to break the midnight libo curfew. This Corporal wanted to help his junior Marines not get NJP’d for underage drinking and staying beyond the curfew. So he trusted them. He falsely signed them into the liberty logbook and told them to “stay the fuck off base.” Simple right? Except one of those drunks told a taxi driver to go on base. He gets caught and all three of them gets NJP’d.

Most of the time, these Marines put themselves in a shitty situation. They become desperate to fix it immediately even if they have to break their integrity.

“I’ll get you back”

Those words, I hear often whenever I help people but whenever I need a small favor that doesn’t take up much of their time, I am told, “I am too busy.” or “Sorry, I can’t help you.” I mean, why do I even bother asking for help. I learn to be as self-reliant as possible because I realized that in the Corps, you can’t trust most Marines to look out for you. You can only truly connect with a few Marines.

On a side note, I just want to say that what Washington is doing right now is down right dangerous. They can raise the debt ceiling all they want but it’s not going to solve anything in the long run. What our government doesn’t understand is that borrowing more money is not going to fix our deficit and debt. They are borrowing our future.

What will solve it is a fix in the monetary policy, an environment that encourages a free market, lower all taxes for everyone, end the wars, the removal of the Federal Reserve Bank, a fix in our aggressive foreign policy, a fix in our ponzi-scheme-like social security system, a fix in all our welfare system and a fix in our spending problem. Those are just a few solutions. Yet, our politicians will not talk about them. They believe they can pass laws that defy the laws of basic mathematics and economics. Zero money means zero money as in not good. Printing more money without an increase in the supply of goods will only cause inflation. These politicians are all cowards, afraid to do what is necessary and right and remove or cut anything in fear of protesters.

These politicians rake in 6 figure salaries yet the first pay checks they want to cut are the men and women who serve our country and fight and die in foreign countries where our coward politicians sent them.

Remember Vice President Dick Cheney? He’s what you call a chicken hawk, a politician who supports war yet has actively dodged military service. He dodged the draft to Vietnam five times at the height of the war because he felt he had “better things to do”. He supported the war in Iraq that we have today. He was also the chairman and CEO of Halliburton, a private contractor for the 2003 Iraq war. You remember all of that.

There is only one politician that stands above the rest. His name is Ron Paul. He doesn’t just dodge the issues or provide answers that have no real meaning. The controlled media obscures his name because all the other status-quo politicians are afraid of him. You can view his messages of personal liberty and fiscal responsibility on Youtube.com. He will offer reasonable and logical solutions that our politicians will not even dare mention.

Lastly, we’ve reached over 20,000 hits.

Buddy fucked since 1775.

Fleet Marine Life #68 – The USMC Way

2011-08-02-fleetmarinelife68 - The USMC Way

There are several ways of doing things in the Corps. The right way, the wrong way and then the USMC way. The USMC way is a way where you simply appear to accomplish the mission regardless of whether or not it was done correctly or not. Junior Marines take the USMC way more times than you think. Marines may not do things the “right” way to accomplish the mission but thanks to higher ups either being ignornant or willingly ignorant (blind eye), no really cares.

The comic above is a true story. My buddy’s platoon was tasked with taking down a lot of tents. Their libo was on the line. And when that shit is on the line, shit gets real. Doing the mission the right way (Moral way) was too time consuming. Many hours of libo would have been cast away like a carton of spoiled milk. Of course, his platoon universally decided to take the USMC way. They got a TRAM to run over all these tents and then drag these flattened, pancake-like tents to DRMO (A place where broken shit goes and gets fixed or whatever).

The tents were taken down and the officers didn’t really care. No one really paid for it except the taxpayers. Oh, well.

Doing shit the wrong way and then making it look right for liberty since 1775.

Fleet Marine Life #67 – Supplied

2011-08-01-fleetmarinelife67 - Supplied

A supply cat told me how the supply system works. Every unit is given a certain amount of money to spend during a certain period of time. If they don’t use all of that amount then the next year, they get less money to spend. So this encourages them to spend on such luxuries like expensive watches and deployment bags for all SNCOs and Officers. This is one of the many ways the USMC pisses away taxpayer money.

A SSGT, one of the only few that actually taught us shit, told us more about the supply system. If you order too much, you’re probably not going to get your order. Supply will receive their junk and then then distribute it to as many people as possible. Whatever they have left over, they put aside for large orders. This cycle will repeat until the large orders can be met and then you’ll receive your crap. So it’s recommended to just order the absolute bare minimum amount of whatever you need from supply.

In Afghanistan, I talked to my Gunny about getting us some basic supplies for the operation. 6 months later, we never received them. Since we really needed it during the operation, I just bought the supplies with my own money. $300 worth. Thank you, USMC supply, you inefficient piece of crap. Can’t even get me a pack of pens or a roll of duct tape.

Also, if you haven’t checked the “A Few Good Links” section, then do so. It’s good for a laugh. If you want to write me something, email me at k@fleetmarinelife.com. I’ll be sure to keep it anonymous.

Unsupplied since 1775.

Fleet Marine Life #66 – Read This

2011-07-30-fleetmarinelife66 - Read This

When I used to be on the MEU, I enjoyed reading the liberty orders that our commanders would force us all to read. It was amusing to find such things as:

Do not box kangaroos.
Do not wrestle crocodiles.
Do not buy a firearm.
Do not get a tattoo.
Do not swim in open bodies of water. This includes oceans, lakes, rivers and streams.
Do not pass go.
Do not collect $200.
Do not purchase a prostitute.
Do not buy a taser.
Do not buy a monkey.
Alcohol Limit. Overdrinking = NJP.
Liberty Buddies.
Curfews.

And of course, everyone did all of the above. They just never got caught.

I wish I kept one order document because they were about 20-30 pages long and filled with amusing orders. You may think that the commander may have had some whim one day and implemented a bunch of shit orders that Marines can’t do like it’s “A Sound of Thunder” and any minor action the Marines take will drastically alter the future of humanity itself. But no. The only reason why they do this is because some Marine, most likely drunk, did some stupid shit and commanders would have to write it into the liberty order.

Would you be able to tell a Marine’s parents that their son died at the hands of a kangaroo? I sure as hell wouldn’t be able to keep a straight face.

The MEU cycle before my MEU cycle had a guy who brought a monkey on their ship. The SNCO found out and ordered that person to get rid of it. He threw the monkey overboard.

A buddy told me this story below that took place in Thailand.

Marine 1 : Oh god, oh god. I don’t know what I’m going to do.
Marine 2 : What’s wrong?
Marine 1 : I went out with this woman and went down on her and found out she was a man. I beat the shit out of her… or him? OH GOD. I DON’T KNOW!
Marine 2 : Was she alive when you left?
Marine 1 : She wasn’t moving when I left!
Marine 2 : We’re fucked.

What if you do get caught? If you know that you can get away with it, you have to LIE, LIE and LIE some more. Your command probably doesn’t give a shit about you. They probably don’t care about what you did for them. They would rather make an example out of you and make you lose rank over something as minor as buying a taser. Sometimes they lie to you so that you tell the truth.

Just remember that visiting foreign countries as a Marine will not allow you to experience it fully as a normal person would.

Getting absurd liberty orders since 1775.

Fleet Marine Life #65 – Faces of BCP

2011-07-29-fleetmarinelife65 - Faces of BCP

According to Marine Corps Order (MCO) 6110.3 W/Ch 1 (Aug 8, 2008) : Marine Corps Body Composition and Military Appearance Program (MCBCMAP), the Commandant of the Marine Corps (CMC) talks about how every Marine has to comply with certain height and weight standards and present a “suitable military appearance.”

He goes on to say, “Marines who exceed weight and body fat standards are a detriment and detract from the combat readiness of their unit. Furthermore, it can generally be considered that a Marine who meets established height, weight, body composition, grooming and uniform standards will present a suitable military appearance. The presentation of an unsuitable military appearance is inconsistent with the Marine Corps leadership principle of setting the example. Simply put, Marines who do not present a suitable military appearance fail to possess the qualities necessary to effectively lead marines.”

Basically, you can run a 300 PFT, 300 CFT, win rifle competitions, deploy multiple times to all the corners of the globe, have a thousand MCIs done, taken every knowledge course taken known in the Marine Corps but… if you don’t have a “suitable military appearance”, then you aren’t a leader. What exactly is a “suitable military apperance”? In this document, it doesn’t define it at all. This means that your douchebag SNCO can define it to be whatever he wants it to be. He can pick and choose whoever he wants to fuck with. Failure to follow this means your career goes downhill fast (promotions, special assignments, retention, paperwork, etc).

I knew a guy in my company that looked like he ran a 300 PFT and he did. He was so muscular that you’d have to ask him if he took steroids. He was put on the Body Conditioning Program, which was meant for fat people. This man was able to pass every physical test thrown at him but since he didn’t meet height and weight standards, he had to be put in the fat body program. The Marine Corps took a good, functional Marine and degraded him into something undesirable. Now, if you’re like this guy, you can get a waiver if you exceed the height/ weight standard but you need a commander/ OIC who possess special courts-martial convening authority. Of course, your SNCO will never tell you this. So the most part, you’re pretty fucked unless you request mast and you know you are in the right.

This order shows that the Marine Corps has been reduced to nothing more than a rigged beauty pageant where the judges play favorities.

The only except to this is if you are pregnant or have some sort of medical problem (weight-gaining disease, broken bones, etc).

Fun fact: If you fail to meet the height and weight standards by weighing too little, you get sent a doctor and a nutritionist.

Looking pretty since 1775.

Fleet Marine Life #64 – Travel Claim

2011-07-28-fleetmarinelife64 - Travel Claim

I got like 20 bucks for a $340 plane ticket from California to New York. This was my EAS flight. I don’t think any human being can make it from California to New York with $20. It would be like Fallout 3 where you drink out of toilets, eat radioactive lizards and fight off people who would kill you for said $20. I don’t understand the amount of mathematics that went into finding the solution for this equation but I’m pretty sure they’re off by a zero

If you handle the US Marine Corps travel claims…

Fuck you.

That is all.

Getting below minimum compensation for our travel back home since 1775.

Fleet Marine Life #63 – Government Issue

2011-07-27-fleetmarinelife63 - Government Issue

Before my platoon’s fun little trip of Afghanistan, we had to go to the armory for our shit. For my deployment, they issued me my rifle, one tooth brush and two rifle magazines. I was in shock! Was this it?

He told me to borrow, steal or buy everything else. Reluctantly, I borrowed 4 rifle magazines, and returned them after the deployment, bought a rifle grip, bought a rifle sling and bought a rifle cleaning gear set for a grand total of around $75. Fuck, man! That’s 10% of my paycheck going to buying shit the government should naturally issue you for a war! That’s money I could have used to drink away my problems! I blacked out on a $5 bottle of alcohol (It was on sale)! That’s 15 worry-free weekends I could have had! But, no. Uncle Sam’s got to fuck me over once again with his big fat flopping green weenie.

These issued items are non-perishable (except the CLP) which means you can use them for years and years. So I know that they don’t just disintegrate in the armory.

I know my armory had a metric fuckton of rifle magazines but since they keep poor track of them, you end up with Marines with 10-20 rifle magazines, 3-5 rifle slings and 2-3 rifle cleaning gear sets in their closets. Lending is not a hard practice but apparently to the Marine Corps, it is.

Getting issued one toothbrush from the unit armory to fight in wars since 1775.

Fleet Marine Life #62 – A General Day

2011-07-26-fleetmarinelife62 - A General Day

As a 1-star General, Marines will bend over backwards to please them. I’ve always wondered what it’s like to work for a General. I image it to be something like slavery where you have to follow whatever whims he may have. Just like the rest of the Marine Corps.

I remember in Okinawa, my higher ups would tell everyone that a General (no one knows who) is coming down to inspect our barracks on Friday. Then they would proceed to tell us that if we fail the inspection then we’re going to have to “stand by.” So this would cause us to field day our barracks for half the day on Thursday, sleep for like 3 hours and then field day for another 3 hours until it’s time for us to go to work. Word was passed later that we passed field day. I asked my buddy about the General and he replied, “The General never came through.” This happened a few times in my short career. The General never shows up or if he does, he only checks one room. Fucking Generals. I bet they do that shit on purpose for a laugh.

Getting fucked over by imaginary Generals since 1775.

Fleet Marine Life #61 – Okitraz

2011-07-25-fleetmarinelife61 - Okitraz

Okinawa was my first duty station. I quickly began to regret my choice. I was surrounded by alcoholics 24/7 and there was no escape. Everyone would often get in trouble for shit they did.

There were several times when I would get a knock on my door from a felllow NCO on a saturday morning because “something happened.”

One time, my fellow NCO told me that everyone has to go to the battalion CP for a formation because the battalion Gunny was asking for it. No one would ever know anything else. 30 minutes later, the battalion is standing in formation and getting our asses chewed by the battalion Gunny because we’re not looking out for each other and we’re all shitbags for it.

It turns out that there was a Marine, in my battalion, who got drunk, went on to the roof of a Japanese bar and started peeing. He was arrested for indecent exposure. I’ve seen different levels of drunk in the Marine Corps. There’s tipsy-level drunk, can’t-stand-level drunk, throw-up-level drunk, black-out-level drunk and then watching-yourself-do-shit-but-you-can’t-control-your-body-like-you’re-watching-a-bad-movie-level drunk, the ultimate level. He was at the black-out-level. He told me he didn’t remember shit and that he woke up in a Japanese jail.

Anyways, the Gunny took away everyone’s liberty. No one knew the guy in jail because he worked in the CP of our battalion.

My old Sergeant told me a story about a time when he was at the ultimate level of drunkness. After drinking, he went back to his barracks room to sleep, turned on his lights and found a girl in his bed. He woke her up and said, “What are you doing in my bed?” She screamed and then said, “This isn’t your room. Let me escort you to your room.” He was in the right room but wrong floor. She escorted him to his room, he went to bed and that was that. Except, the MPs starting busting down his door and took him away on the accusation of sexual assault.

His legal battle ended up dragging on for months preventing him from doing anything. The girl even testified on his behalf that NOTHING HAPPENED. But the military judicial system is so hell bent on sending an innocent man to the brig that they are blinded by the truth. But there was a happy ending to this story. He ended up winning and getting all that backed up pay and a promotion.

I remember on my first day of duty in Okinawa, the Duty NCO was attacked by the platoon drunkard. The next day, my platoon was crammed into the 4th deck lobby on a saturday morning to discuss about what happened. Another day, I remember this same man being dragged up the stairs by 4 Marines.

My old platoon Sergeant was a raging alcoholic who would often come to work drunk. I remember during one field day, my platoon NCOs and my battalion Gunnery Sergeant was in his room. The drunk was arguing about how the Gunny judges field day. It became a huge arguement and then eventually the Gunny said, “I’m done. I’m leaving.” Everyone left after him one by one muttering things like, “Fuck, man. He needs to go back to SACO.” He told me that I did a good job looking over field day. As I walked out, I saw him hock a giant loogie on to the carpeted floor, push down his secretary, throw his shit across the room and then curl into the fetal position and cry.

Anyways, one thing I will miss about Okinawa is Coco Ichibanya Curry House. Recently, they opened up a Coco’s Curry house in Torrance, California. The first CoCos on mainland USA and it was amazing! I highly recommend CoCo’s Curry to anyone near that area.

Excessive alcoholism since 1775.

Fleet Marine Life #60 – BBQ

2011-07-24-fleetmarinelife60 - BBQ

I remember I was in Okinawa when I first fell for the old “free barbecue trick.” There’s always some poor bastard that ends up on duty without a replacement because someone with some weight on their collar fucked up something as simple as a duty roster. And this happens more than you think.

After this little incident, I just stopped answering my door. It has helped me dodge more duty than the kid who got NJP’d seven times (Once for biting an MP dog). If you live in the barracks, never answer your door unless you know the guy. Because behind that door, lies a Marine trying to pass off his duty to you or a Marine trying to sell you some shit like lawyer insurance.

Getting tricked into surprise duty since 1775.

Fleet Marine Life #59 – Doctor NCO

2011-07-23-fleetmarinelife59 - Doctor NCO

This comic was based off a Corporal I’ve served with.

He was a 6′ 4″, 240 pound black guy. He was a good, tough Corporal that did things his way and because of that, he would often get in trouble. He was the most motarded Marine that I have served with. When I played Soul Calibur 4 with him, his character was scarlet red and gold. The game provides you with millions of character choices so you know this wasn’t an accident. He sings cadence where ever he goes. He talks about drill 24/7.

Here are some quotes from him.

Me : Hey… There’s all these signs in front of this door that says “DO NOT ENTER. SECRET CLEARANCE REQUIRED.”
Him : Bitch! Get out of my way! Shoo, fly, shoo.

Him : We can do this the easy way… *pats hand with baseball bat* or the hard way…

Him : Let me have a piece of that sandwich.
Me : No.
Him : I wasn’t asking.

Him : Three words, K. Big. Booty. Bitches.

Him : It would behoove of you.

Him : Hey there, yoo-hoo!

Me : What are you doing this weekend?
Him : 40′s and hoes.

Him : Bullllllllshit!

Him : Waaaah! Want me to call the wambulance?

Him : Do you know what this is between my fingers?
Marine : No…
Him : It’s the world’s smallest violin.

Him : I can’t wait until I get to Parris Island so that I can put some pain and discipline into recruit’s little bodies.

Him : YAH BITCH!!! YAAAAAH!!!

Anyways, he’s still in the Marine Corps so if you see anyone who is like this, just know that you have met… THE MOST MOTIVATED NCO EVER.

Being prescribed a bottle of “suck it the fuck up” and then going to the hospital a few days later because Doctor NCO ended up misdiagnosing us since 1775.

Fleet Marine Life #58 – Eyedrops

2011-07-21-fleetmarinelife58 - Eyedrops

The comic above is a true story. I knew that Navy doc (Corpsman). He looked and talked like the sloth from the Ice Age Movie. He was fairly apathetic toward everyone’s problems.

SSGT : Doc, we need you! This one guy has some shit in his eye.
Doc : Well… What do you want me to do?
SSGT : You’re the fucking doc!

I remember I had this sudden fever one day. I felt dizzy and I could barely walk and my body felt cold. I was scared that I might have Malaria because I never took those weird blue pills that were issued to me. Why? Because the government has a fun history of using US soldiers as guinea pigs.

http://www.publichealth.va.gov/exposures/gulfwar/pyrid_bromide.asp

I tried waking him up to check out my fever. He wouldn’t wake up so I just passed out on the floor next to him in the GP tent. I knew he was pretending to sleep so that he didn’t have to check me out. I woke up still feeling like shit. I stumbled everywhere until I found him. He took my temperature and read the theromometer as 100 degrees Fareinheit. Normal human body temperature is 98.6.  He told me to stop being a bitch and gave me some Motrin. Always with the Motrin. I still felt like shit for the rest of the day.

Getting permanent lazy eyes since 1775.

Fleet Marine Life #57 – Pile of Shit

2011-07-18-fleetmarinelife57 - Pile of Shit

My good buddy Dan once gave me an analogy that joining the Marine Corps is like rolling in a pile of shit. I asked him how.

He said, “Well, I mean. You were the first guy we all knew who joined the Marine Corps. Shortly there after, your brother joined, then me and then our friend and then our other friend and then two of our other friends after him. We all thought it was all cool. After you jumped into the pile of shit, everyone just kind of dove in and rolled around with you thinking it was fun.

But then after a year or two, everyone realized that… ‘Hey! Wait a minute! We’re all rolling in a pile of shit!’ Of course, now we’re all trying to get out of the Marine Corps or ‘the pile of shit’.”

This analogy is very true. Now, all my buddies are trying to get out of the Corps by using VEERP, stacking terminal leave on top of that and all that shit!

I could have EAS’d two months earlier but my company prevented me from doing so by lying to me and by making me do a bunch of shit that was “essential to the company.” My company was trying to prevent everyone from checking out and VEERPing out. Everyone who could VEERP (Early EAS), actually tried to used the full 90 days of their VEERP because they all universally hated my company. The only things that my higher ups could think about were field day on saturdays and what they can do to make themselves look good. Troop welfare was virtually non-existant.

One fellow NCO was so desperate to get out of my company using VEERP that when the Regiment Commanding Officer, a Colonel, was taking his time (3 weeks) signing his package, the NCO requested mast to our general. His package got signed REAL quick that day.

And the people that were VEERPing out were the good experienced NCOs. My Company Commander tried lying to me to prevent me from leaving. He said that you needed a reason to take VEERP or else you can’t use it.

http://www.marines.mil/news/messages/Pages/MARADMIN303-11.aspx

According to the official link above, you don’t need a reason to leave. I told him that and he said he’ll check into it. If you qualify, you may push your EAS up to 90 days earlier. If you are trying to VEERP, read this three page order. The higher ups will attempt to use your ignorance against you and that was what my CO was trying to do. He was losing NCOs left and right to this MARADMIN. Fortunately, I was not ignorant because I read the three pages throughly. I got the VEERP approved and sold all of my terminal leave (which is automatically done when you leave the Corps).

Diving into shit since 1775.