Dear Backbone of the Marine Corps (the ACTUAL one),
I’m going to start by apologizing to you for the behavior of myself and your other NCO’s during Field Day. While we DO have to make sure your room is clean, we DON’T have to be total cocks about it. The Marine Corps has a certain set of standards for everything that…well…um…nobody really knows 100% what those standards for dust are…but…uh…standards, devil!
Shit, sorry. I forgot how to think for myself for a moment.
I’m sorry I pulled your bed, nightstands, and wardrobes away from the wall and made you clean behind them. I knew Gunny wasn’t going to check back there, but Sgt. Nazi told us we had to keep you up until at least 0200 because you didn’t sound off loud enough last Monday during PT.
I’m sorry I stuck my greasy finger on your mirror while pointing out the salt-grain-sized spot in the corner and smudged it all the way across. That, admittedly, was a dick move.
I’m sorry I swiped my finger along that little crack where the back of the toilet meets the floor. Not only was that completely unnecessary, I’m pretty sure that’s how I got Hepatitis.
I’m sorry I opened your unsecured wall locker, threatened to steal all of your shit, then telling you that you are the reason that there are thieves in the Marine Corps. To be completely honest, there are thieves in the Marine Corps because we have a legacy of stealing shit and calling it “acquiring.”
I’m sorry I tossed that little bit of dirt I palmed under your shoe display and failed you for it. Staff Sergeant Reprisal showed me that one.
I’m sorry I made you all stand out in formation for thirty-seven minutes while the other NCO’s and I stood around bullshitting about who we were going to fail, why, and what for. I know you could have used that time to work on your room, even though it would have failed anyways because Top doesn’t want any of you to get in trouble this weekend while he’s the SDO.
I’m sorry I kept you up until 0330 when you had driver duty the next day. I know how much it sucks to have to drive the SDO, OOD, and Bn Admin guys around all day and night on three hours of sleep, and I know the Order states that drivers must be permitted to sleep for 8 hours prior to duty to keep them from falling asleep behind the wheel and killing someone, but you fell out of that run a few weeks ago and Sgt Motard thinks this will help you become a better Marine. Also, I apologize for chewing your ass for disrespect and talking back then threatening you with NJP when you politely reminded me that you had duty.
I’m sorry I got drunk and kicked your door in a couple of hours after I told you you could sleep. That…there is no explanation for that. Sorry.
I’m sorry I let Sgt Bumblefuck snatch you up for that working party. Had I known the acidic substance he chose to use to attempt cleaning the sidewalks would only make a bigger, permanent mess, I would have acquired the keys to the haz-mat locker before he could get his stupid, fat fingers on them.
I’m sorry I volunteered you for morning cleanup last week. I thought I heard you whisper something in formation, turns out it was Cpl Fucktard!
I’m sorry I yelled, “and none of you better have a fucked up shoe display like Lcpl (totally your name dude) here!” That was totally pointless, your shoe display was actually quite lovely, devil nuts.
I’m sorry I inspected your room while drinking a beer. I forgot we told you guys you couldn’t drink during Field Day.
Lastly, I would like to apologize for the following, less specific offenses:
Playing lookout for Sgt Spartan while he hazed you and your roommate.
Making you field day knowing full well that Gunny told us this week was general cleanup with no inspection.
Failing you for “dust.” Look at it as your introduction to Article 134.
Tracking dirt, mud, and rocks into your room from my boots then chewing your ass for it.
Farting in your freshly Febreze-bombed hamster cage of a room right before Sgt Sillypants came through to inspect.
Terrorizing your sleeping roommate. I know he’s TAD and hates you for what we do.
Fucking with you the night before you went on leave.
Fucking with you the night before 72’s and 96’s.
Fucking with you in general. It isn’t nice, and we don’t have to do it.
In closing, I would like to apologize to all future Marines that have to deal with shit head NCO’s on Field Day. Maybe someday we can all band together and make Field Day a not-so-shitty experience for all Marines.
Love (in a begrudging, hateful way),
Your NCO, 1369, USMC
Submitted by: AAVPOG