Fleet Marine Life #136 – Art of Skating

2012-02-26-fleetmarinelife136 - Art of Skating

In a very special article, I will discuss about the ancient Art of Skating.

By skating a few minutes a day away throughout your Marine Corps career, those skated minutes will add up and pay you dividends. By practicing the art of skating and trading valuable skating skills with other people, preferably from other sections, you will become a grand master capable of repelling higher ups like a Jedi.

There are several goals to skating and that depends on what you want. Do you want to look like Chesty Puller without doing all the work? Do you want to cruise by and still get out with an honorable discharge? Do you just want to not do anything that day?

I will give you, the reader, some tools to help you on your road to becoming a proficient skater in our beloved Cream Corn. Take what you need and employ the right tools at the right time for maximum success.

1. Volunteering
Ever hear the acronym, “NAVY?” It stands for “Never Again Volunteer Yourself.” Volunteering is pretty much always a shitty deal with little to no reward(s) or gratitude.

Contrary to what people may believe, volunteering can be a tool to help you skate. Let’s say you know, or think you know, that there’s a big pile of elephant shit that needs to be shoveled that day. Your SNCO just asked for some volunteers to do some paperwork. Initially, no one will raise their hands. Fools! Of course you do because you would rather do paperwork than shovel elephant shit for 5 hours.

2. Working close with the higher ups
Higher ups always spend most of their day roaming the offices and drinking coffee. They will never go out of their offices to see whatever anyone is doing, and for that reason, you will never get high pros and cons working outside of the office. Working in the office is possibly the skatest thing you can do. You don’t really have to do much and you’ll get high pros and cons for your minimal effort. How the hell do people end up with office billets? Well, you can either be:

1. Lucky
2. Female

There’s no other way other than these two, and I’m sorry for misleading some of you people.

3. Being Average
You don’t want to do too much work. If you become over depended on, you’ll dramatically reduce your chances of leaving that office. Ever. If you do too little work, you’ll face the risk of getting negative paperwork. You have to find the right balance.

Sometimes being below average is a MUST to getting away from your god-forsaken company.

There was this guy in my platoon that got caught sleeping on post in an Afghanistan FOB. He got NJP without loss of rank. He also got caught beating off in a third-country national’s trailer while watching porno on that guy’s computer.

When everyone came back from Afghanistan, this guy got assigned to work at the Single Marine Program (SMP). My platoon was asked for volunteers to work at the SMP and everyone raised both hands while jumping up and down.

If your company really doesn’t want you, they will get rid of you by any means possible. Even if it means sending your ass to work in Las Vegas.

4. Know your Borders/Lanes
You have to “test the waters” and see what your higher ups react to or not. Every time your higher ups do not react, you have to keep pushing little by little and continually see what you can and cannot get away with.

5. Evade Everything.
By default, you should be avoiding everything. By everything, I mean everything. Higher ups, working parties, volunteering, etc. Remember that hard work brings about more hard work. Here are some ways that can help you evade everything:

* “Taking a dump” and sleeping on the toilet.
* Sleeping in the supply closet.
* Sleeping in another person’s work area.
* Sleeping behind the dumpster.

Remember to keep your cell phone on just in case they ask you where you are. If you don’t, you risk facing paperwork.

6. Lie, lie, and lie some more.
Always have an alibi and excuse for whatever you are doing at that exact moment. Excuses are key! If you’re not doing something, make something up. Perpetually pretend your looking for something or someone.

To get high pros and cons with minimal effort, you have to pretend that you’re working. Just log on to a computer and whenever someone asks if you’re busy just say the following lines:

“Yes, I’ll be done in five minutes. I just need to look up MCO 1234.”

7. Take your Time
Again, hard work brings about more hard work. If you receive some work that takes 10 minutes to complete, you’ll want to complete it in 5 hours. The longer you drag on a task, the less tasks you will receive that day and in the future.

To become a master skater, you must appear not to be a skater. Deception is everything.

By employing the “Evade everything” and “Knowing my borders” tool, I was able to successfully evade my company for 30 whole bullshit-free days without anyone knowing or caring. When I had to return from doing TAD, I didn’t really seek any initiative to report to my company. I had 30 days on Okinawa left, and I knew my company was disorganized as hell, so I tried to see if I could skate hardcore and I was able to get away with it.

I asked the BEQ manager if I could live on the first floor because I left in 30 days. Great success! My company lived on the fourth floor. So far, “evading everyone” just got exponentially easier. Also my room was unmarked so no one could find me.

Under the guise of “checking out,” I was able to get out of every single formation, working party, meeting for 30 days. I never had to report in to anyone. They told me to, but I “tested the waters” and tried to see if I could get away with it. I did that day and the next and the next and the next…

Did I care? No. Did my higher ups care? Well, they certainly can’t care for a problem that they don’t know about.

Before the day I had to leave, a Sergeant was onto my game. I got out of a buddy’s room, a buddy who was also skating hardcore, and there just so happened to be a Sergeant from our company. He interrogated me. I can’t remember what we talked about, but I do remember the pissed-off face he had on while he was talking to me. There was nothing he could do to me because I left Okinawa the next day.

Stoffel said :

“pros and cons. sorry, I make it a game to make up acronyms at work and use them frequently. I’ve found if no one knows what your acronyms mean and you have an excel spreadsheet with lots of colors and bold lines, everyone thinks your busy. That, and a track ball mouse with lots of buttons. No body wants to take your computer then.”

Readers, share some skating stories.

Working without working since 1775.