How To Be A “GOOD” Marine

One thing that I always hated about the USMC, was that instead of actually trying to be good, they instead try to look like they’re good.

See, in the Marine Corps, it’s a dog and pony show. Looking like you know your shit is better than actually knowing your shit. That’s why uniforms matter so much and perfect uniforms determine how good you are. Nevermind the fact that you have to spend a long time in the field actually doing shit. Being a Marine training, shooting, war fighting makes you a good Marine right? Pfffft of course not, those Infantry guys have dirty uniforms and even put their hands in their pockets, those fucking shitbags!

Another example of this is small, but still a good one: When they make you clean shit. Rather than using disinfectant to you know, clean shit and kill germs, they want you to use your breath to remove the smudge so that way the surface LOOKS clean, rather than actually being clean. Nevermind the fact that you used your nasty ass morning breath that could contaminate the surface and make everyone else sick. That doesn’t matter.

So remember everyone, being a good Marine means looking like you’re a good Marine. Don’t worry about actually being a good Marine, just look good and you’ll be fine. Oh, and don’t put your hands in your pockets you shitbag. If a civilian or someone of another branch sees that, they’ll think less of us (even though they won’t).

Remember being in the USMC means you’re also an attention whore and you need to worry about what others might think. After all, the USMC loves dog and pony shows.


Submitted By: Martinez 

  • Billiam201

    The man definitely has a point.

    • Hgonzo

      Not much different in the civilian world. In fact it’s worse.

      • Master LCpl

        It’s not much different in the civilian world? Please explain. I would like to know how it is worse.

      • aomechmarine

        FUCK NO its not. On active duty, best money I made was about $2,400 (after taxes) a month, as a CPL, and that was with COLA pay ($400) AND food allowance ($300) As a Honda Car Salesman some months, I made $10,000 (before taxes, and after, about $7,000+, so roughly 3 TIMES as much as my highest on AD, WITH special pays) I worked my ass off. I was rewarded with higher pay. Work harder in the Corps
        ? LOL yea, show me that Overtime column on your LES buddy! Some months I made as little as $4,500, (b4 taxes, after taxes, about $3000, roughly DOUBLE my regular base pay salary)… if I sold less then that? FIRED. You either perform or you are GONE. USMC is NOT like that. You can be a turd and do bare minimum, you’ll get that honorable discharge… Or be a PT stud, who (no homo) looks good in uniform and promo photos… But you dont know SHIT about your actual job… BAM promoted! In the civilian world, you either DO YOUR JOB or you are FIRED. If you have “poor leadership”? If you can, FUCK IT snitch on them, fuck the chain of command shit. OR QUIT. Take your skills somewhere else. Happened at my Honda job. One of the sales managers would sabotage this guys deals… So the guy got fed up, quit, had a job the next DAY at a rival Honda dealership. He’s doing much better sales numbers now.

      • aomechmarine

        In the Marines (or military), a fuckin idiot 23 year old can shit out 3 kids and get married and double his pay by doing so… in essence… literally rewarded his irresponsible behavior…no more field day! But the responsible guy (like me) who wears condoms and doesn’t have a contract marriage? I get paid half and have to participate in field day. Why would I sign up for 4 more years of that shit? That guy is a shit for brains, and that is who WILL re-enlist. And that is who makes up your Chain of Command. Becaus. the civilian world pays the single guy and the guy with drunken sex unplanned children the SAME… well ACTUALLY… They pay BETTER IF you PERFORM better. They actually pay based on MERIT and PERFORMANCE. Not appearance. “Lead follow or get out of the way…” Applies a lot more to the civilian world in my experience

      • lifeexperience

        I’ve decided that I’m going to add something to this. I don’t discount aomechmarine’s experience with his car sales job where monthly sales= performance kpi= larger salary.
        but in the civilian world you can see all sorts of (bizarre) working conditions and experiences. Perhaps you end up taking a job in a family owned business where the boss employs his own son/daughter, and if you ever dare have a confrontation with one of his own your fired on the spot! ( all he has to do is make up an unrelated excuse!.)
        Or perhaps you land a secure government job where its very difficult to get rid of anyone ( union jobs can be like this as well!) Or you could work for a company that where the female HR decides she doesn’t like you, then goes out of her way to build up a case to fire you ( if you nitpick hard enough….).
        Whats written above is quite true- the Marines are very superficial, and can base advancement on LOOKS and PERCEPTION rather than real competence! Of course there is potential for civilian jobs to do exactly the same, but at least you have more legal avenues to fight any form of discrimination/bias/ or questionable work practices!
        One of my life lessons I’ll impart- if you decide to get out, BE VERY WARY OF CIVILIAN COMPANIES THAT AGGRESSIVLEY TRY TO RECRUIT VETERANS! Not to say that they are all bad, but here’s the reality:
        Some civilian companies are not stupid- they know the military experience inside and out, and know how you’ve been ‘conditioned’, so therefore will try to recruit veterans, PAY THEM LOWER than they would an industry insider, and put them in jobs where the hours are long and conditions are below standard. Why? Because they figure that’s what you are used to and won’t complain about it that much.
        Effectively, you become another company slave- working for the benefit of those in the upper echelons of that company, in a job where others are reaping more reward for your labor than you are, and they won’t hesitate to place more demands on you ( because Marines have that Can-Do attitude right?)
        I worked for one company exactly like this- then after digging deeper I wised up to their exploitation game. So I did something that I never would have dreamed of doing when I was younger.
        At the busiest time they needed me the most, I walked into the main office and QUIT ON THE SPOT!
        That’s one of the best work experiences I’ve ever had To see the looks on those assholes faces knowing that they were dead in the water without me. Didn’t give them a second thought when I jumped into a more satisfying job weeks later.
        At least in civilian life you have the opportunity to chart your own destiny, or say Fu*k You to an employer bent on exploiting you!

        • aomechmarine

          AGREED. This has been my EXACT experience actually. I went to many military job fairs. They are ALWAYS full of mostly SALES jobs, an OK mix of random generic jobs that usually pay crap (maybe 2-3 employers there will pay decent/good), and some decent careers that usually require some form of higher education or training like cops/firefighters, government jobs, union jobs… And a TON of schools who would LOVE to get your GI Bill money.

          The thing with sales is it requires LOTS of hours and its a “personality”type of job… You have to be very hard working, willing to work beyond business hours (come in early, leave late), don’t leave until the job is done, do what it takes. Now, while I was rewarded for my efforts…

          In reality, when you do the math, you are still working for a somewhat low wage. You are simply working a ton of hours, BUT you are ACTUALLY getting paid for them…. Vs The Corps…

          If you do the math, as a Cpl, hours worked VS. actual pay….you are legitimately making third world country wages. I used to make about $2,415.78 base salary (MAYBE $1800 after taxes) again, thats as a CPL… but I worked mostly 60 hour weeks….If I was working a 40 hour week, its like I made $14 an hour (less actually, I rounded up)… But since I was working 60 (or MORE) hours a week… then that’s actually like you are making less then $8.50 an hour. (accounting for overtime kicking in past 40 hours)… Now the military wages have SLIGHTLY gone up… BUT, California minimum wage is going to be $15, and its already $10.50 an hour where I live. So in every sense of the word, I was making less then minimum wage. And had I re-enlisted to Active Duty, I would have guaranteed that for 4 more years. Its crazy. Young Marines stationed in California most likely won’t rate COLA…But if they get married they can get that BAH which is sure to go up when the minimum wage is $15. Which will just create an even bigger gap between a married and unmarried PFC, ensuring the jump into a “set to fail” marriage…

          Now as far as sales go….I was good at it, but it wasn’t for me in the long run, because there is a LOT of shadiness/grey area aspects to it…Remember “personality”? Point blank, most of the most successful salesman (especially for cars, insurance, “investments”) are VERY Immoral and are more then OK with ripping ANYONE off, as much as possible, to get a little more cash. Guess who the sales guys LOVE to hire? “Were you a military recruiter or were you ever on recruiting assistance?” I’ve been asked that a few times…

  • Chris

    So funny to read this. I remember when I was a Sgt (low reg haircut and loosely rolled sleeves), there would be an occasion or two where a Cpl would say how he wished for the day when they had to spit polish boots, because then you could tell who the shit bags were. Right. Like he’d know about that time.

    Once, a SSgt tried to dress me down in front of H&S company for having a hole worn into the back of my desert cammie blouse. “These are my Iraq Cammies,” I said, to which I was told there’s no such thing as Iraq Cammies. Funny thing is, I was there – Falluja, 2005 – but maybe I don’t remember stuff quite like the grand old SSgt did.

  • Raptor Jesus

    How to be a good Marine:

    Step 1:Bend over
    Step 2:Prepare to take it