QUANTICO, VA – Marine Corps Combat Development Command issued a new directive effective immediately. Always eager for a photo op, the Marine Corps held a press conference to impress civilians and potential recruits with steaming piles of bullshit.
“Not only is the Marine Corps Martial Arts Program an essential tool in our warfighting kit,” said Commanding Officer Lt. Gen. Richard Mills, “it proves our dick’s bigger than the Army’s and the Navy’s. I won’t even mention the Chair Farce, since we all know they have sandy vaginas. I mean, right? Having said that, I’m proud to announce the latest, most effective weapon in our arsenal: the Dick Move. Let’s see what those Army pukes have to say about that.”
“Mastering the art of the Dick Move is vital for any Marine who wants to move up in rank,” said Gunnery Sergeant Miguel Diaz, a brown belt Martial Arts Instructor and staff advisor. “It’s a very versatile technique. Whether it’s cockblocking your homey at the single’s bar, or throwing your buddy under the bus to score brownie points with the Command Sergeant Major, or hazing the non-rates, or borrowing money and never paying it back, or playing bullshit fuck-fuck games, or making junior personnel do police call just to be a dick, or plowing your best friend’s girl while he’s on deployment, every Marine must be proficient at the Dick Move if he ever hopes to become a staff non-commissioned officer. Well, that and suck a mile of dicks. So now it’s required professional development for all career-oriented personnel, unless they want to be up-or-outed. We have extremely high standards. That’s why the Marine Corps offers a full spectrum of combat capabilities none of those other pussy services can deliver, like, like, uh …”
“This is a significant day for the Marine Corps, the United States of America, and the Free World – in that order,” said Mills. “We Marines take warfare very seriously, and this just goes to show you once again we’re way better than everybody else. Just ask any of my boys and they’ll agree – or it’s their ass.”
“This new program shouldn’t take long to implement,” said Diaz. “Most junior Marines are already familiar with the basic strategy of the Dick Move, having been on the receiving end of it so many times. And being able to dish it out for a change will improve their confidence and encourage them to fuck their subordinates even harder. That’s exactly what we want. Train like you fight, fight like you train.”
Commandant of the Marine Corps Gen. James Amos said, “This’ll give us a big leg up on the enemy, whoever they are this week. To commemorate this milestone in U.S. Marine Corps history, it’s my honor and privilege to unveil a new warfare pin for Marines who’ve perfected the Dick Move. They’ll be available for purchase online and in Fleet uniform shops whenever Supply gets around to it.”
Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps Michael Barrett stepped forward and displayed a prototype of the pin: a blue falcon with clipped wings and a blood-smeared dagger gripped in its claws, shitting on an eagle, globe, and anchor.
“That’s what I’m talking about,” he said.