Peanut Butter Platoon

Back in the day when I was with my good old unit we had this asshole Corporal that everyone hated. I’m not gonna us any real names to lets call him Corporal Fuckface, anyway Corporal Fuckface had this habit of going through peoples rooms and eating food while they were gone. He was able to do so because he was the BEQ manager and had a master key. It pissed everybody off but no one could say anything. One day me and my roommate came up with the idea to fuck with the food.

Being the nasty little fucking marines that we were, we came up with the brilliant idea of having the entire platoon bust a load in a jar of peanut butter, (which was his favorite). Of course we had to put our high school educated minds to work and figure out how to convince everyone to do this with out some overly motivated boot ratting on us trying to look good for promotion. We also had the task of finding a jar of peanut butter big enough that could hide 30 loads of jizz, thanks Costco.

Surprisingly it wasn’t difficult to convince everyone to participate , and after a couple days we had 28 generous donors. We mixed it up to the point where you couldn’t tell, and put it in the fridge. The next days we went to work to do more mindless shit as usual, and waited to see him at formation. When our dear Corporal Fuckface finally showed up I was ready for him to kill me and the roommate, as I was positive he noticed the taste of jizz from his weekends clubbing in Hollywood, but he stood there talking as usual, the following week went on to be some of my fondest memories from the Corps.

Every time he would fuck with us, every time he would break shit in our rooms during field day, ever time he would yell at us in front of the officers trying to look good, our faces hurt from holding in the laughter knowing that he had a mouthful of 1st platoons jizz . He finished the entire jar in a week, still left it empty in the fridge when he was done…. asshole. Moral of the story, dont’ t eat peoples fucking peanut butter. THE END

Submitted by: Mark

  • Billiam201

    I don’t know what would have been better.

    Telling him and watching him lose his shit in front of you, or the hope that he reads this story one day, and loses it at home, hopefully in front of his wife and kids.

    Either way, that is absolutely awesome.

    • freeatlastfreeatlast

      He may have known all along.

      It wouldn’t be crazy for him to have acquired a taste for it from the miles of SNCO dick that passed through those chompers by the sound of it.

      • S.

        Oh my god… this needs to be at the bottom of the article.

  • freeatlastfreeatlast

    You are a wonderful person Mark, I wish you had been in one of my companies in Oki. We didn’t have genius such as yours to bring to bear against the dipshits with power, you would have made my time on the rock go by so much faster.

  • oldmf

    well, according to some others I regularly contribute to this web site because I supposedly “wallow in a sea of negativity”. I see it more as relating past experiences so as to send a clear message to the present generation to avoid signing a USMC contract – to NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES WE DID IN THE PAST.
    Had such a collection of experiences existed back in the early 1990’s I never would have joined in the first place. The above story is ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING- but unfortunately it reflects the mentality of that organization!
    Believe it or not, the idea you came up with isn’t new. In 1992 The Corps used ( abused) its new recruits( low paid wage slaves) for mess duty, and mess duty continued as a requirement when new Marines entered Infantry units. I was extremely lucky not to be picked for it, but one of my roommates was very unlucky and had to work in the scullery for two months!
    One day he warned me – “Do not drink the Juice!! Do not ever drink the juice!!”. the reason why was that the mess Marines were so fed up with the long hours, getting treated like dirt , and the terrible details that they decided that to ‘DROP ONES LOAD’ into the juice was a subtle way of retaliation!!
    They also did nasty things like mix disgusting excrement into recipes like Cookie dough, and I guess got their laughs when Marines reacted to eating such nasty tasting cookies!
    With this information I became very selective about what I ate and drank in the chow hall at MCB Hawaii, and I’m sure that Hall would never had passed any type of health inspection.
    As I said, I find all this revolting to talk about, but the key point is is that that organization tends to create a climate where a) shitheads like that Cpl stay in longer and do childish acts like that b) new Marines get treated like absolute dirt then end up resorting to childish and disgusting retaliation- just like prisoners do in a penitentiary.
    So, I’d say that everyone here has a right to be negative about their Marine Corps experience and expose it for the bad organization that it is. It WILL NOT PREPARE YOU to work in a 21st century economy, and has the potential to get this DISGUSTING!
    For myself, I have enjoyed my life a lot more after I was finished with the mandatory commitment, and have no hesitation relating my experiences so that others may learn.

    • Billiam201

      First, one of my proudest achievements in the marines is the fact that, after 5 years in the service, I had not done a single day of mess hall duty.
      Second, I was on Futenma for my last 18 months, and never even went to the mess hall.
      I was rarely found in the mess hall at Miramar, especially after they knocked down the old mess hall and built a smaller one. (A perfectly sensible move, considering the fact that the population of the station more than tripled after the marines took over), mostly since I didn’t feel like waiting in line for upwards of an hour for bad food.

      It seems that this was a very wise move after reading this comment.